I wake up every morning hoping that the past six months have all just been a bad dream. I go to bed every night praying that I could hear your voice just one more time. I spend my time in seclusion because even the thought of being happy when you aren’t here brings me to my knees. I look at our old pictures and I smile sadly knowing that we will never have a new one.

I eat breakfast at our favorite restaurant and engage in pleasantries when our old servers ask if the family is holding it together. I hear our song on the radio and try not to bawl in the car as I quickly switch the station. I see your friends and hug them probably harder than what is socially acceptable as they pat my back and tell me how glad they are to see me. Life after you.

I go to church and listen as your name is called in the prayer intentions, silently willing my tears to stay at bay. I look at our memories on Facebook and reminisce on all that we had done together. I subconsciously grab onto the necklace you gave me that hangs religiously around my neck every time I see a white feather, a cardinal, or an angel. I say hi to you as I bring flowers to the marble slab that is engraved with your name and the inscription "Forever in Our Hearts."

I don’t even know how I’ve made it this far without you by my side. I made the Dean’s List again. I packed up my things and I moved to Orlando. I started taking classes at a new college. I decided to share my experiences with the world through my writing, something you always wanted me to do. Life after you.

How is this possible? How are you gone? You were supposed to watch me cross that stage when it came time for my graduation. You were supposed to walk me down the aisle and give me away to my future husband. You were supposed to spoil my yet-to-be-born children in ways that I wouldn’t even know how to do. You were supposed to visit me one day at my office, beaming with pride as I introduced you to my colleagues. You were supposed to be here.

Why aren’t you here?

I look up to the sky and find different shapes in the clouds, trying to picture what you would see if you were sitting next to me. I listen to the psalms and try to imagine what lesson you would take away from each and every one if you were kneeling next to me. I try to recreate your famous recipes and wonder what you would tell me to do differently to get it just right if you were standing next to me.

I finally learned that you are next to me — you’re with me through every triumph, every defeat, and everything else in between. You’re my heart, my soul, and my reason to never give up. Everything I accomplish in my lifetime, I will accomplish knowing that you would want nothing but the best for me. Everything I do, I will do to make you proud. Life after you.

*Dedicated to Andrew Wallace and my new friend I.B., I couldn’t have written this without you both.*