I lied to my Doctor today. That's right, my Doctor. I didn't lie to him about how sexually active I was, or if I had a habit of smoking, or even how often I exercise - spoiler alert, not often enough. No, I lied to my Doctor today about going to school. He nonchalantly asked me if I had the day off because of some stupid holiday, and I just nodded and played along. I was too tired and embarrassed to get into why I am not currently in school.
It's not really a conversation starter. You don't just tell your best friend’s coworker at some party that you have no idea what you're doing with your life. You can't just break it to Grandpa that all of those years of counting pennies for your student loan funds has been for nothing. It's disappointing really.
The world has built this box that involves college degrees and a small vocabulary that only describes how successful you think you are. “You're studying law at Barnard and it's just wonderful!” or “Your boyfriend is getting his Masters in teaching, he's such a swell guy!” Um, no. Reality check, not everyone’s path involves rainbows and hundred dollar college textbooks.
Last time I checked, I am 20 years young. I’m at that stage in my life where I'm gonna fuck up. I'm gonna be broke for the next decade, I'm gonna move out, then move back in, then watch my brothers move out, and then cry about it. I’m gonna move from job to job, shaking hands with every person I meet hoping they might give me some direction. I’m gonna give both sets of grandparents a few heart attacks while I’m at it because by this point I’m just really good at screwing up. But you know what? That's okay.
There are people out there, and you know who you are, that are just like me. College wasn't a huge deal for you in high school, so you just went along with it for a few years until you realized that you had a brain and could think for yourself. You realized that this was all bullshit! You don't have to go to school immediately, and you don't necessarily need to go at all.
I personally want to do something in art. Ceramics and drawing were the only consistent things in my life when I was 16 years old. I have grown to love it in all forms, and have only gotten better as time has gone on.
However, I have had countless people tell me that I can't do what I love and have it as a job, which is just stupid. Pardon me, but why the fuck not? Why wouldn't I do what I love for my job? You think I'd stay awake all night sculpting a 10 inch statue of some naked dude if I didn't love doing this? I’ve got to do what I love. Maybe I won't get that degree. Maybe my boyfriend will be just as far off as I am. But you know what? At least I'll be happy.
It's okay to just want to be happy. I pity the people that go through school to get a degree they aren't happy with, because at least I thought for myself once in my life. Maybe one day I'll finally stop avoiding the hard answers and break it to the world that I’m taking some weird turns to get to where I want to be. Maybe when my kids are debating about taking a year off after high school I’ll encourage them to follow their hearts instead of their heads. And maybe, just maybe, I’ll never settle for anything I’m supposed to do and fuck anyone who tells me otherwise.
But for now, I’ll just keep lying to my Doctor.
