I’ve always known that I was different. My limitations were always very different than those of my fellow peers. I knew that I faced very differing challenges than many others around me. I was always haunted by different fears than they were. I was afraid. From a young age, I knew that something was a little bit off about me; not in a bad way, just… different. At the time, I didn’t know what it meant to be gay. I’d heard the word thrown around the elementary school playground as an insult of sorts, but back then I didn’t put much stock into such juvenile pranks. I was too busy trying to fit the expectations that were set out for me. I stayed on the path that I was gently pushed down by everyone around me without too much hesitation or complaint. But it all still felt…strange, like maybe I didn’t belong there.
As I grew older, and started to learn about how the world worked, I began to piece it all together. I wasn’t like everyone else, and that scared me. All that I ever wanted was to fit in, to be normal, to make everyone else around me happy. But as soon as I realized I could be gay, all those hopes came crashing down. What would people say? How can I change? Is there any way I can just be normal? I denied all the feelings I had about myself and my life for the sake of pleasing others. I kept hiding myself, going to school and work and social activities and acting like I was fine. That didn’t necessarily stop the questions though. My voice and personality typically gave me away. I kept denying the accusations, and every time I did, it felt like a knife was being twisted in my heart. I hated myself for years, all because of something that I was, something that I could never change no matter how hard I possibly tried. Some people say that high school was the best time of their life; it most definitely wasn’t mine.
Once I left for college, I thought that maybe, just maybe, I could get away from everything for a little while and enjoy being a normal adult for five minutes. It didn’t last. One of my best friends nudged me one day, basically telling me that she would love me no matter what. I cried myself to sleep that night. I made new friends, but I never truly felt like I could fit in if I was lying to them about myself and my beliefs. I had absolutely no idea what I was doing, and I'd never felt more alone.
One night, the winter of my sophomore year, I was meeting up with a few of my coworkers. I trusted these people more than I trusted anyone, and that night, I had a chat with one of them. He reassured me that being gay wasn’t a barricade. It didn’t make you any worse of a person. Rather, it’s what makes you, you. It clicked that night. I don’t need to be afraid of myself anymore. I can be a beautiful, happy human being.
On March 2nd, I posted a photo on Instagram with the caption “Yes, I am gay…” and received so much love from so many wonderful people. Those people reminded me that it’s 100 percent okay to be the me I was always meant to be. Yes, it’s been a long journey so far, and there are so many great walls to climb, but I don’t need to be afraid to try anymore, and I have friends to help hold my hand along the way.
For the first time in my life, I’m finally free from the prison I built for myself as a teenager. It’s my hope that anyone out there who is afraid of themselves can come to the realization that I have: that you are wonderful, and that you have so much potential that shouldn't be constrained by something that you have no power to control. Liberation is a beautiful thing, and I dream that everyone can experience it like I have.
