The person I saw when I looked into the mirror a few months ago was a girl who was uncomfortable in her own skin. She was too scared to reveal to the world who she really was. She was scared to show herself who she really was. Deep down she knew that she was different but for her to acknowledge and accept who she is was hard.
I am bisexual.
Four years later and saying those three words lift weights off my chest. The burden I carried from day to day is gone, and I cannot begin to explain the relief I feel. To not be hiding anymore is a joy on its own, but to acknowledge and accept that I am bisexual and for others to begin to accept me is a victory like no other.
The journey to where I am now in my life has not been easy. Throughout my time at Robbinsville High School, I have been known as the varsity athlete who was bound to be a starter on the soccer team and the captain of the track team her senior year. Everyone knew me as the girl who had a boy wrapped up in her fingers. I was happy, but sometimes it did not feel right, and for three years I questioned that feeling. Deep down I knew what that feeling was, but it terrified me that I could possibly desire, let alone be attracted to, another girl.
Sometimes I would let my mind linger to think, “What would it be like to hold her hand? Why do I care about her more than my other friends? It must just be a really close friendship, but, if it were to be more… I would not mind.” Then I would think, “No, I am Chloe Hoag. People would not accept me. It is too late to come out. I am trapped.”
For the longest time, I thought people would look down on me as an athlete and abandon me because I wasn’t the person they thought I was. How could a varsity athlete, future captain mind you, be bisexual? By hiding who I was, I damaged relationships with the people I love and care about. I believed that I did not deserve someone’s love and affection if I was not being honest with them about who I was. I did not deserve to be loved. And the few people I did confide in told me that it was just a phase and that I would get over this feeling.
Well it was not a phase. And during my senior year of high school, I learned to accept who I am. Now that I am in college at the University of Delaware, I have the confidence to tell people “Yeah! I like boys and girls!” When I am alone, all that matters is that I am happy with who I am. I am proud to say I am bisexual. I am proud that I can look into the mirror and not see a girl who is scared and hiding in her own skin. When I look into a mirror, I see myself.
