A Letter From The Town On The Other Side Of Trump's Wall
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A Letter From The Town On The Other Side Of Trump's Wall

What would it look like if you lived next to Donald Trump's wall?

A Letter From The Town On The Other Side Of Trump's Wall

February 16, 2017 -- La Mesa Town Address from the desk of Mayor Edward J. Mendellmen

Hello there, fellow La Mesans!

I hope you’ve all enjoyed the entertainment from La Mesa Musical Company’s performance of “The Best Little Whore House in Texas.” It sure was quite the show! Already we’ve had a great start to our new year with plenty of growth in businesses around the area as well as a successful victory for own La Mesas Rough Riders Chess Team! They competed in the National Youth Competitive Chess Tournament’s Southern Chapter, and I hope their success is a pattern we can continue. Coming into the town, I personally went down to congratulate the team on their big win here in the South and I hope they can show the world who we really are on the National and International chess circuits!

I do also want to talk about a few pieces of business that do need to be addressed for the benefit of our community. It has come to my attention that some folks around town have noticed that Betty Ray wasn't able to attend the county wide “Good Lookin' and Chili Cookin’” this week because of her quadruple bypass, but I have been given news that she will recover in time for next month’s countywide “Rib Roast Ranchero” event! I’m sure everyone will want to come down Jack L. Ruby Community Center and enjoy some of the finest ribs anyone will ever find this far south.

Now I want to also address the concern of many of our citizens about the one, the only, Executive Presidential Trump Brand Wall. Now construction of the EPTW (or “The Wall,” as I’ve heard it) went up rather quick. One could say, “Well, they couldn’t have built all of that in one night!” but they’d be wrong. The EPTW has gone up literally overnight. Ms. Patty Lou’s Riverfront Bistro is now completely in the shade of The Wall. I’d argue this is a bargain because we all have come to terms that Patty was never going to buy an awning for that porch. I understand some concerns coming from the La Mesa Naturalist Club about the restrictions it places on tourist who’d like to see the Rio Grande but cannot because there is absolutely no getting around a 100-foot tall obsidian brick wall. And I’ve heard the Naturalist Club claim that the complimentary mural of President Trump that spans across 60 feet of the wall affects the migration patterns of traveling birds because somehow the face of true red-blooded leader scares the little feathered commies. I would like to assure all of our citizens, along with the recent influx of journalists and people who seem to blankly look up towards the wall, that the giant wall guarding the entire southern border of the United States will not negatively affect the environment. The Wall itself runs alongside the United State’s border with the Rio Grande, and I am happy to announce President Trump will announce lookout areas along the wall that will cost only $20 a person. The Wall will both protect the waterway of the Rio Grande and boost tourism!

To those who are still skeptical about how great our Executive Presidential Trump Band Wall, I would say yes the wall does make birds get confused (some residents have said birds sound they are crying, but I haven't heard anything yet), yes the wall can reflect heat and cause minor burning if one stands too close, and yes the wall has attracted an occult following of people calling themselves “Worshippers of The Wall.” But look at this wall this way: now people can know our town, not only as the town as the birthplace of Crawley the Six-Legged Pig, but as the town right on The Wall.


Edward J. Mendellmen

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