Well, I'm not really sure how to start this except by saying you continue to surprise me. You continue to show me the power of your mercy and your grace. But I have to be honest. It took some time and a lot of tears and doubt for me to really appreciate everything you do for me.
I've had a lot of letdowns lately, and a lot of confusing things have happened. From breakups to deaths that shouldn't have happened, and even unexplained life changes that just didn't add up. Too much negative was happening, and I began to question if you were even out there. The same question always came to mind, "How could God let this happen to me?"
When my parents divorced, that was the first time I really took a step back and said "Wow. God wouldn't let this happen." It was messy, and ugly and caused a lot of heartaches. I saw more tears and heartbreak than I would have liked and I constantly prayed and was wondering why things had to end this way. How could you abandon me when I needed you the most?
I remember the day when my uncle died, and I was sitting in my dorm room alone. Hundreds of miles away from any family members to console me, trying to pick up the pieces of my new reality. Again, I prayed hard for peace and some end to the lonely feeling that was consuming me at that time. No relief came and I began to grow angry. "What are you doing, God? Where are you when I have no one? How could you take my uncle before I even had the chance to say goodbye?"
Nothing made sense and I pulled away from you, angry and confused as to why you were shattering my beautiful reality right in front of my eyes.
Things took a positive turn for a little bit. I met my best friend who basically saved my life in a way, and I was having a really a good few months. Then I heard the words that I knew were coming but weren't ready to hear. He told me he was transferring, and my heart broke once again. I turned to prayer, desperately trying to understand why was something that made me so happy being ripped away from me so fast.
I spent hours and nights angry with you.
Why do you keep letting me down? Why is everything that I know being ripped from me? You can change this! Why aren't you here when I need you the most?
Then I went on Search IX with my university, and when I say it came at the absolute best time, I mean it. I'm so glad my close friend Cara pushed me out of my comfort zone to go. Believe me. I had a slew of doubts getting on that university van with about 20 strangers that I had never even spoken to even though we went to a small school. I thought it was going to be a bible thumping, let's sing church songs, a pushy weekend that I would end up regretting.
Boy, was I completely wrong. Search IX changed my outlook on faith, death, friendship, love and sacrifice. Through the tears, laughs and countless inspiring stories I heard, I realized a very important face.
God. You never left. You were always there. Through it all. And it wasn't that you were making these things happen, or allowing them to. You were giving me what you thought I could handle, and allowing me to grow as a human being. Life isn't going to be perfect, and people are going to leave, pass away, hurt us. But that doesn't mean that you love us any less. We need to trust in your love, regardless of uncertainty. You were there in the most difficult times, we just need to find you.
You give us these obstacles because you know we can handle them and you want us to come closer to you. Sometimes, it takes a little more of a push for some than others, but we'll get there.
The divorce was the best option because constant fighting isn't healthy. My uncle isn't in pain and he isn't suffering anymore, but he's an angel watching over my entire family. The relationship my best friend and I have will only be strengthened by distance, and the reunions will be more precious because of that distance.
It took me a lot of tears and frustration to finally realize all these lessons. You allowed me to realize, to appreciate, to love and to trust. I know now to never doubt you, and that you have a plan for everything and everyone, whether we may understand it now or not.
"Our heavenly Father understands our disappointment, suffering, pain, fear, and doubt. He is always there to encourage our hearts and help us understand that he's sufficient for all of our needs. When I accepted this as an absolute truth in my life, I found that my worrying stopped." - Charles Stanley
