Love — it's painful, it's raw, and it hurts. But it can hurt even more, if you are scared to love or even be happy again because of a horrible breakup. As months pass by, you may be one of those people regretting the simple acts that lead to the breakup. Sometimes, you might even close yourself off to new people in order not to get hurt again. Trust me — I was in your position before — and I can personally say that things will get better.
When my relationship ended in April, I was completely broken. I closed myself off so that no one new would have the possibility or chance of hurting me. At that time, I had already known my relationship was not going to last as long as I had wanted. I had known that in order to protect both of us, I would have had to lie. We were already two completely different people with different relationship views, but that didn't stop me from loving him. He had been my best friend for so long that I didn't want to come to terms with the idea of what my life could possibly be like without him. We had been arguing so much, and I knew that, in time, the arguments and separation were just going to become more severe, so I had to lie. Lying to him was the most difficult thing I had to do — but I chose to just let small lies grow.
It started with little lies — like that I had seriously wanted a ring for my birthday, which grew into much different, bigger lies. As much as I would like to be the girl who only wants or needs these sorts of things, I'm not.
The fighting was always constant, though. I myself was never able to be happy. I knew never being satisfied with myself would ultimately ruin things.
The breakup broke me, as literally as the word suggests, and it just seemed like everything hurt. I had lost my best friend of two years, and wasted a notebook that I was going to use to write letters to him until December, as a Christmas present. All that time and dedication wasn't enough, and I knew from that day forward he would never reach out to me, never support me, never hold me, and never love me again. It is still, to this day, one of the worst experiences of my life. I was completely numb. I was numb even months after.
I had been so destroyed, I didn't think that things would ever be able to get better. I had grown to hide my pain and had learned how to repress it until the day finally came that I just couldn't. And why should I? One day, something in me just changed. Suddenly, I had learned to grow stronger. I was able to see more clearly on who to trust and who not to. What I loved and what I did not. I had learned to become my own person, and I was growing nicer, wiser, and stronger.
Happiness was slowly making its way back into my life in mid-July, when I started seeing positive things on even my darkest of days. I started looking forward to what my future had in store for me: how good it could be, and how good I could feel. Eventually, I was able to be completely happy again, from even the smallest of things. I was enlightened by nature's sunlight and its quietness, the values movies spread across, and how everyone had a different story worthy to be heard. Eventually, with the new happiness I had gained, I also fell in love.
The process getting to this point was extremely difficult but I am glad that I was able to go through it. If I didn't, I don't think I would have been able to be as happy, eager, and positive about everything as I am now. I'm able to do what I love and am able to be in love with one of the nicest people I have ever met, who treats me better than I deserve. Love can hurt, be painful, and be raw but it is completely worth it.
In the words of Robin Williams: "You'll have bad times, but it'll always wake you up to the good stuff you weren't paying attention to."
