I know you may or may not care, but my heart is full of secrets that no one really knows.
I'll fill you all in on one this time. If you care to listen, keep reading.
My heart may seem happy to you on the outside, because you see me smile around you. You see me talk to you casually with basic small talk, almost like we've had no conversation before. Or sometimes, I'll end up sounding like an idiot and getting red in the face because I'm so crazy about you.
I was crazy about you.
I am crazy about you.
Call me "easy" for perhaps liking so many of you. But I can tell you, however, that I've liked all of you individually. I've given each of you a period of my time and it's been dedicated solely to you.
But none of you would really know any of it.
I hate you all.
I hate you all so much. I hate that you all made me believe in mere illusion. Made me believe I was worth someone's energy. Made me believe that you might actually take me under your wing. It was all too good to possibly be true.
Some of you completely know that I feel this way about you, and others of you do not know. With some of you, I've learned my lesson. Others of you don't even know how often you occupy or have occupied the channels of my brain.
My heart has screamed for you. But you haven't even heard the tiniest drop.
My eyes have admired your everything. But you haven't even acknowledged my hello's.
With some of you, I really thought we could've been something. But then I realized you were an expert at games.
With some of you, you don't even know how I truly feel about you. But I know that certain circumstances could never bring us together, like perhaps you have a girlfriend or I'm just under an illusion that you'll never like me.
Maybe it is me.
Maybe I was (and still am) truly foolish. Keep in mind, I'm still young, so I'm an expert at making mistakes. But one day, I'm gonna grow up and gain my wisdom.
Or, maybe you are just foolish. Maybe you couldn't see me for who I was. You just saw me as just a friend. A shy quiet girl you've never talked to.
A piece of meat.
Some of you have treated me like an actual lady, and others of you treated me like the girl at the corner.
But no matter how you viewed me or currently view me, I'll keep my memories of you and use them to remember that he's out there. He's just not you.
Thank you for breaking my heart. Thank you for existing so I can think about you. Either way, it will all pass eventually.
And while you boys may not ever know how I truly felt about each of you, I'd like you to always know the misery you caused me.
The tears I cried for you.
The insomnia of my brain telling it to rest but it couldn't because it was envisioning factors of you every millisecond.
The way I would watch you make every move with her. (Keep her close, because I know I will never be her.)
But you know what? That's ok, because time heals all wounds. And I know that my feelings always reflect my character. Love just isn't for me right now, and it isn't for everyone right now. Only a select few. Love comes to us when it's supposed to, so don't abuse it in the meantime.
I'm in better control of my feelings now thanks to all of you. I'm more cautious to even have the word "feelings" come to the dictionary of my mind. Feelings aren't really a thing I should be catching right now.
I love you guys. I hate you guys. You guys don't even know anything about me. You guys know everything about me. You guys have touched me like I was forever yours. You guys have never even looked my way. You guys have let out the best Samaritan in me. You guys have brought out the deepest pit of hell in me.
But still, thank you either way. Thank you for helping me believe in the power to move on.
Because that's just what I'll do with all of you.