Dear Boy,
I gave you too much credit. I put you on a pedestal. I praised you for everything you did right, and even when you did me wrong, I gave you the benefit of the doubt because, “he doesn’t mean to be this way, he’s just been hurt so many times.”
Before you, I had never been in love. I didn’t date much because I was waiting for someone who truly valued me. You see, I know what it’s like to appreciate someone; and when I found you and got to know the deepest parts of you, I began to fall for that. But that’s not who you are. That’s who you wanted to be. I was none the wiser because I didn’t know someone could be so manipulative. You took full advantage of my naivety.
You wear a mask every day. You put on a show for everyone around you. Bravo! You have them all fooled. But me? Not so much. Maybe for the first year. But then I challenged you to be the person you wanted to be. And for a while, you were that person for me. I got your best and it was lovely.
But when you decided you were done putting in the effort to treat me with respect and love, it went downhill quick. When you stopped cherishing me and our time together, you resented me. You resented how I made you think further than your comfort zone. You resented how much time of yours I took. You resented the effort it took to be a better person. You resented the big heart the good Lord blessed me with and my emotional nature. And it was devastating.
But those things are what I love about myself. I am not easily won over or impressed. I care about things deeply. I don’t want to settle for mediocre or your half-assed, only-when-it’s-convenient “best.” I want honesty. Wholeness. I want vulnerable. I want someone who recognizes that I am a prize. Someone who isn’t so insecure and threatened by the fact that I am a healthy, whole person with great things to offer that he has to try to break me so that I feel as low as he does. I want someone to appreciate that I have opinions and values. I want someone who will reciprocate the fierce, never ending love I have to give.
I am not a dumb girl (though some may argue that after giving you three years.) I am intelligent and passionate and have opinions and thoughts on the world around me. I am introspective. Empathetic. Always loving. Always giving. Accepting and patient and generous. My love is rare. And you won’t find it just anywhere.
My emotions were never yours to play with. This was always a game to you. I trusted that you would take good care of me. I gave you every piece of me, but you played me for a fool. You left me unsatisfied with a broken heart and nothing to show for the three years we spent together.
But I have come to terms with the truth. What I had to offer was too great for what you were willing to give back. You weren’t ready for what I was able to give you. It scared you. I wanted to grow with you. I wanted to learn and build with you. I wanted to pamper you and love you and do life together rather than against each other. Even though you showed me you weren’t worthy. I had to pick up all the pieces of me off the floor, put myself back together and move on.
I spent so much time wondering what I did wrong. Why I wasn’t what you wanted. Now I know that it wasn’t me at all. And what I have to offer is for someone who realizes just how stellar I really am. And that was never you.
xoxo,
The one that got away