No, you never hit me. I know that. I would never lie and say you did. You never needed to hit me to knock me down. Instead, you took a different route. You stripped me of nearly everything I cared about before I let you into my life. Each insult, each time you ignored me, each lie you told; you might as well have been punching me because believe me, the damage was the same.

It started out small, you would make fun of the way I looked when I smiled, you called me fat, you made me feel stupid when we would study together. Remember that time you told me that using “big words” was out of character for me? I made excuses for you and played it off as mean, flirtatious boy comments. I endured criticism from you almost constantly. Although knowing you, I’m sure you'll conveniently find an excuse for saying those hurtful things.

Then it got worse; you isolated me. I couldn’t hang out with my friends anymore. Despite never having taken the time to get to know them, you berated them, called them queer and losers. You were rude to them to their face and even worse behind their backs. They began to avoid me because of it because I was naïve and stood up for you, leaving me dependent on you solely for friendship.

Your neglect felt more intense once I was alone. Every text you ignored, the dates you either blew off or showed up hours late for, a complete lack of ability to be apologetic when you hurt me. I was so dependent on you that every fight meant the potential ending of my world. I ended up apologizing for so many things I am not sorry for.

My love for you at the time was so blinding that even the so blatant disregard for my feelings and the acts you did that showed me you didn’t care passed right over me. When I needed to have a biopsy done, and the initial results said cancer I called you desperate for support and comforting words. Your response once I told you: “I can’t talk now. I’ll call you back”. I didn’t hear from you for a week…

But I was always there for you. When your grandma passed away, I took three days off work and drove across states to be by your side. When you had surgery and asked if I could be there, I woke up at 5:00 am to sit in the waiting room with your mom and then did everything I could think to make you comfortable. When you were sick, I was there, when you were sad I was there, and when you needed me I was there.

All I ever wanted was for you to be there for me in the same capacity that I had always been there for you. To have been there for my surgeries (even just via text), to have been there when my grandma passed away, to have been there when I was sick, sad or needed you.

I have no idea if it was intentional. I would like to believe you’re just that emotionally unaware and insensitive, but I know that’s not the case. Every blow was more suffocating than the last and I begged you to stop. I tried to get you to understand what it was like, how much the things you said or did (or didn’t do) hurt me, but you didn’t care. The excuse became “that’s just who I am.”

I felt nothing but pain and numbness for so long. You trained me to feel unworthy. Unworthy of love, unworthy of respect, unworthy to be cared about, unworthy to continue living… They say we accept the love we feel we deserve and you made me feel like I wasn’t deserving of anything close to love.

I don’t know what it was that kept me going throughout those years when every day I prayed for death; I just couldn’t bring myself to end it. I blamed other factors for my unhappiness and self-loathing. It took one month without you to realize that you were perpetuating all that hatred. Hate that should never have been directed towards me. For the first time in years, I feel free; like a ten-ton weight has been lifted off my shoulders.

You meant everything to me, and I would have done absolutely anything for you because all I ever wanted was for you to love me, but I got something much better instead. I got me to love me. I gained respect from and for myself that I never realized I deserved. I learned to smile again, and I learned that life without you is not only worth living, but it’s worth everything.

Disclaimer: Article written by J.L.