Dear high school self,
I know everything feels infinite. I know how badly you want to die. I know how much you hate yourself. I also know that you'll be okay.
You can't see it yet, but you have a future. I am your future. And you know what? I'm happy. I'm finally happy, but I need you to stay alive to see it. I need you to work hard, graduate and, for the love of God, dump that jerk who doesn't treat you right. You find another one soon, and he changes your life in the best way.
Don't take your family for granted. Hang out with your sister. Go out of your way to make your cousin feel safe and important. You need them, and they want you to be happy. Don't push them away just because you don't feel like you deserve to be loved, because all you're doing is hurting yourself. Same goes for your parents - be nice to them. Be there. Eat dinner at the dining room table together and do something helpful every now and again. They're just as exhausted as you are. And for Christ's sake, don't be a jerk to that brother of yours. He misses you. Don't make him feel unwanted just because you're hurting; it's not fair. Just swallow your pride and accept their help. I promise you, no one is going to see you as weak because of it.
Give the cat all the attention he wants. You know just as well as I do that he makes you smile, so use that smile to spark some full blown happiness. Take him on adventures. Take selfies with him. Give him treats. Let him sleep in your bed even though he bit holes in your favorite makeup bag. He is priceless, and he is going to be one of the most important members of your support system. He won't pressure you to say anything you don't want to and he's a great listener. Talk his ear off about your day and your life and don't feel awkward about it - you both will enjoy the company. It's actually extremely therapeutic.
Take care of yourself even if you don't want to. Take a shower. Paint your nails. Take your insulin and check your blood sugar. Invest in some comfy socks and wear your favorite outfit around the house. Light a candle that smells like Christmas cookies. Find music you like and play it so loud your room shakes. Sing to it until your voice is gone. Take a nap or two, or three. Don't weigh yourself every day no matter how much you want to, and don't let the scale dictate your mood. Buy some cheap face masks and invite your squad over for a sleepover/spa day; it will surprise you to find out how much that helps. Color until your hand cramps. Watch every documentary Netflix has to offer. Do whatever you have to do to keep yourself going. It's not selfish, it is self care. It's necessary. It's healthy. Try not to feel guilty about taking time for yourself.
And finally, remember that this is not forever. You will only be 16 for 365 days, even if it feels like you've been the same age for your entire life. The bell always rings after 42 minutes, even if you'd bet your life that you'd been in Precalculus since 1853. Your heart will heal, just give it time. Just don't give up, alright? You can do it. I believe in you.
Love,
College Freshman You
