Dear My First Love,

Even though we had our ups and downs, our stupid little fights, our sleepless nights tossing and turning across our mattresses trying to find a way to apologize to each other, you were my best friend. Here are all the things I want to say to you, but I never can and never will.

Thank you for listening to my 2 a.m rants.

I wish I hadn't taken it for granted when I dialed your number and heard your sleepy voice crackle through the other end of my phone. You knew just what to say to calm me down, and what stories to tell me that would make me laugh. We could talk for hours on end about nothing, and stare at our ceilings on opposite ends of our town, knowing that we could say anything. Those were the nights I cherished most.

You were a good first everything.

You taught me what it was like to love, to feel something in my heart for something other than a family member or friend. You were my first love. No matter how hard I try, I will never forget you. And not in the creepy ', I'm obsessed with you' way. The 'you'll always be in my heart' way.

You showed me that there's good in this world, and that endless laughter and happiness can sometimes be traced back to one person.

You never made me feel less than who I was.

I know. I know the saying. "Love yourself before anyone else.' However, you made me feel beautiful every single day. I felt wanted, and I never felt as if I couldn't relax around you. I would lounge around my house with sweatpants and a ponytail, and you would look at me just as you did on our first date. Thank you for that. I needed it.

I'll move on, but you'll always be someone I care about.

No matter how many people I meet, a part of my heart will belong to you. There's just too much history between us. There's too many late night talks, too many trips to our favorite spot, to just remove you completely from my mind. Sometimes I can go days without you crossing my mind. Some days, however, all I can hear is your laugh in my brain.

Little things will remind me of you. I'll see your favorite type of dog and just want to tell you about it. Or, I'll hear our song. It'll all come flooding back.

I will never call you because it wouldn't be fair.

Although we're on opposite ends of the state, I will never dial your number to talk. Hearing your voice wouldn't be right for me. Maybe it's not even that. Maybe it's just knowing that if we talk for extended periods of time, we'd fall back into our pattern. It's not fair for either of us.

I truly do want you to move on and be happy.

You deserve a good love story. No matter how angry I seem that you've found new arms to fall into, I will never stay mad at you for long. Maybe it was never meant to be you and I, and no matter how much I stare at the stars, hoping that you are too, I want you to find happiness in your own way. You deserve the best, and I know one day you will get it.

You will always be my main reason to believe in fate.

The things we went through, the way we started falling for each other reminds me of a perfect Netflix movie. Maybe except for the part where we moved 6 hours away from each other. You gave me a reason to believe in fate, and that why we kept coming back to each other wasn't just coincidental.

You made every heartbreak before you worth it. For the time that we were together, you made me feel complete.

I do not hold a grudge against you. Our breakup had to happen.

I know long distance is rough. We never really had a good shot at it. It was too far, too risky, and both of us had trust issues that we had to work on. We would've been absolutely miserable in college. It was just meant to happen this way. I'm sorry that I made it seem like I wanted to break up. I never did.

We really did need to grow apart in college and become new people. Thank you for making me realize that I needed to thrive on my own.

Maybe one day, we can finally connect once again.

I don't know when that day will be where I can finally look you in the eyes and not feel a pang of heartache. However, the idea of finding out how college has been treating you and hearing stories of your late night endeavors excites me. There are so many thoughts I want to share with you.

I really do want to know how you're doing, and hopefully, when things finally settle down for us, and life is both treating us well, we can grab a cup of coffee and talk about it all.

There will be an endless amount of things I could say to you. I also know there are things you could never say to me. Life is the way it is, and I'm starting to believe that this is the way it was meant to be. Thank you for the memories, for the hugs, for the cute dates. Thank you for being you. I appreciated it all.

Sincerely,

Your First Love