When I was younger, having an older brother was literally the most entertaining thing. I did not want an older sister because then there would be hand-me-down clothing and I would have to eventually share a room with her and share bathroom time. Having an older brother was ideal; he was like a protector, guardian, instructor, best friend and playmate who did not care how hard I punched him.

The older I got, the more our genders became a dividing and determining factor in how we were treated. I had more curfews and rules from my parents in order to "protect me" from the outside world, whereas my older brother who was four years older, was more allowed to be out on his own and see the world for what it really was. I do not consider myself to have been sheltered in any manner, but I do believe that I was not given as much liberty as my older sibling.

As we grew older and hit the age of high school and college, gender was still a determining factor, but so were our academics and parental expectations. At first, I had no problem living up to my brother, but eventually it began to get hard. The following is a letter to my older sibling explaining how I cannot and will not ever "live up" to what he is and was, and how it is not really my responsibility to do either of those things because I am my own person and I do not need to fit into a mold that someone has set out for me.

Dear older sibling,

You taught me so much. You taught me how to throw a ball, ride a bike, build dirt tunnels and fall on my knees. You taught me that Jesus loves me, that you love me, and that even though mom was busy, she loved me more than anyone ever would. You taught me that vegetables are good and so is candy. You tried to show me how to beat up the boys, play soccer like a pro and burp like I knew what I was doing.
When I got to an academic age where things that I learned in school actually mattered to my future, you tried to teach me how to build a computer, make programs and play video games. You tried to teach me math. While you were great at teaching me, it was not what I loved the most.
Yes, I learned and I enjoyed learning from you because you can never have enough knowledge, but I did not enjoy what I was learning because it simply was not me. When I started to bring home bad grades in the areas that you had your expertise I felt like a failure. I felt like I had not lived up to everyone's expectations.
When I hit college it got worse. We have lived in the same town all our lives, and it is relatively small. When I first walked into the university, everyone only knew me as your little sister. No one knew me as my own person. I was not my own person. I was an appendage of your very being. Everyone expected me to live up to the image that you had left behind.

Dear older sibling,

I am not you, and that's okay. I do not need to be you. I do not have to get the same grades, or even close. I do not have to live up to some image that you have created as your own. I am not just your little sister, I am not just living in a shadow. I do not deserve to live in a shadow.
I am my own person. I am my own entity. My own being. My own set of grades. My own expectations.

However, I am could not have become my own person, if it had not been for you.

So thank you.

Thank you. Thank you for teaching me. Thank you for stepping aside and letting me flourish as my own person. Thank you for boosting me higher than the crowd so that I can stand out.

Dear older sibling,

I am not you, and that's okay, I still love you and you still love me.