I know that you have been gone now for almost four months but I still don't think that it has hit me yet. I thought your empty bed & the silence that your voice should be filling would knock me into reality but I think all it does is make me numb. I feel like I'm waiting. I'm waiting for you to yell my name again, I'm waiting for you to ask me to watch a movie with you again. I'm just constantly waiting.
Nothing is harder than when I go to send you a text message or tag you in a Facebook post and I suddenly realize that you're not going to be able to reply to me. There are mornings where I wake up in a panic, because I didn't wake up to you ringing the bell. I didn't wake up to you needing your medicine. I panic for a minute. I can't breathe, my heart races and I jump out of my bed, waking up my son in the process. I know you are free from pain now and I am so happy for you but I wish I could still be taking care of you instead.
I wish I knew that when I woke up in the morning, I got to hear your voice and give you a hug. I wish that I could hear you singing to Nicholas again or asking him how his day was. I wish for so much that I can't ever experience with you again and most days, I don't think I will ever get any better. I'm afraid that I'll miss you so much for so long that I won't be able to move on with my life. Honestly, I don't know how I can. I didn't only lose my mom, I lost my best friend and I don't know how to cope with that.
I feel like everyone else around me is handling you being gone so much easier than I am and I feel inadequate. I feel weak. I want to be able to spend an entire day feeling good but as soon as I feel okay, I think "I can't wait to tell mom" and suddenly all of my energy is drained and I just want to go to sleep for a while. Walking into your room is like playing Russian roulette with my heart. Sometimes, I feel so much better being in there but other times I'm paralyzed and I can see every bad thing and every good thing that ever happened in there.
When you were still here, I had plenty of things to do to relax me when I was feeling stressed but now all of those things remind me of you and I can't relax anymore. I feel stuck trying to figure out how to fix myself because I didn't realize it was possible for a heart to be this broken but still beating.
I think that I am going to miss you forever, hard. Sometimes I don't think I will ever feel any better, sometimes I feel okay. I wish I could pinpoint all of my feelings because it seems they are all over the place. I just miss you, mom. I miss your laugh, your voice, your cooking and your hugs. I miss all of you. I always will. I will always look for you in everything I do. You are the reason I am the person I am today and I made promises to you that I intend to keep forever. I can't wait to see you again and catch you up on my life. I can't wait to drink tea with you in bed while we watch TV and talk about everything. I love you and I miss you. I hope that while you watch me from wherever you are, that you are still proud of me. Forever.