To My Mental Illnesses, you can't control me anymore

To My Mental Illnesses, you can't control me anymore

I will not let you control me any longer.

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To my depression, you can't control my life anymore.

There have been many times where I have let you completely destroy my relationships with my closest friends, destroy a wonderful week, and destroy aspects of my relationship with my lover and family members. You've taken over my life, but I'm giving it to God, so you can't control me anymore. I am worthy of living. I am going to be successful. I am going to live a wonderful life and have a beautiful family, and I will not let you convince me any differently.

To my anxiety disorder, you can't convince me that I am unwanted anymore.

Anxiety has been my biggest struggle for the longest. Meds don't make you disappear, but that's okay. I know now that I am, in fact, very loved and cherished by my friends. I know that I am not a burden to my family or friends, despite how hard you try and convince me otherwise. I will not let you keep me from going places I have always loved going to, because I am afraid of how someone may look at me. I won't let you make me lose my beautiful hair ever again.

You have controlled my life for so long, but I am slowly learning to take it back into my own hands with the help of my closest friends, my significant other, my family, and God.

I have to keep reminding myself that things do and will get better with time. I have to remember to pray about things beyond my control instead of worrying myself sick. I love the person I am slowly finding myself to be, and I wouldn't change it for the world. I am finding more confidence in myself than I have felt in years, and I will not let that be ripped away from me.

So as a final say to my mental illnesses,

I will get better. I am loved. I am beautiful, and eventually, you will never make me feel any less than that, ever again.

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To The Person Who Feels Suicidal But Doesn't Want To Die

Suicidal thoughts are not black and white.
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Everyone assumes that if you have suicidal thoughts that means you want to die.

Suicidal thoughts are thought of in such black and white terms. Either you have suicidal thoughts and you want to die, or you don't have suicidal thoughts and you want to live. What most people don't understand is there are some stuck in the gray area of those two statements, I for one am one of them.

I've had suicidal thoughts since I was a kid.

My first recollection of it was when I came home after school one day and got in trouble; and while I was just sitting in the dining room I kept thinking, “I wonder what it would be like to take a knife from the kitchen and just shove it into my stomach." I didn't want to die, or even hurt myself for that matter. But those thoughts haven't stopped since.

I've thought about going into the bathroom and taking every single pill I could find and just drifting to sleep and never waking back up, I've thought about hurting myself to take the pain away, just a few days ago on my way to work I thought about driving my car straight into a tree. But I didn't. Why? Because even though that urge was so strong, I didn't want to die. I still don't, I don't want my life to end.

I don't think I've ever told anyone about these feelings. I don't want others to worry because the first thing anyone thinks when you tell them you have thoughts about hurting or killing yourself is that you're absolutely going to do it and they begin to panic. Yes, I have suicidal thoughts, but I don't want to die.

It's a confusing feeling, it's a scary feeling.

When the depression takes over you feel like you aren't in control. It's like you're drowning.

Every bad memory, every single thing that hurt you, every bad thing you've ever done comes back and grabs you by the ankle and drags you back under the water just as you're about the reach the surface. It's suffocating and not being able to do anything about it.

The hardest part is you never know when these thoughts are going to come. Some days you're just so happy and can't believe how good your life is, and the very next day you could be alone in a dark room unable to see because of the tears welling up in your eyes and thinking you'd be better off dead. You feel alone, you feel like a burden to everyone around you, you feel like the world would be better off without you. I wish it was something I could just turn off but I can't, no matter how hard I try.

These feelings come in waves.

It feels like you're swimming and the sun is shining and you're having a great time, until a wave comes and sucks you under into the darkness of the water. No matter how hard you try to reach the surface again a new wave comes and hits you back under again, and again, and again.

And then it just stops.

But you never know when the next wave is going to come. You never know when you're going to be sucked back under.

I always wondered if I was the only one like this.

It didn't make any sense to me, how did I think about suicide so often but not want to die? But I was thinking about it in black and white, I thought I wasn't allowed to have those feelings since I wasn't going to act on them. But then I read articles much like this one and I realized I'm not the only one. Suicidal thoughts aren't black and white, and my feelings are valid.

To everyone who feels this way, you aren't alone.

I thought I was for the longest time, I thought I was the only one who felt this way and I didn't understand how I could feel this way. But please, I implore you to talk to someone, anyone, about the way you're feeling; whether it be a family member, significant other, a friend, a therapist.

My biggest mistake all these years was never telling anyone how I feel in fear that they would either brush me off because “who could be suicidal but not want to die," or panic and try to commit me to a hospital or something. Writing this article has been the greatest feeling of relief I've felt in a long time, talking about it helps. I know it's scary to tell people how you're feeling, but you're not alone and you don't have to go through this alone.

Suicidal thoughts aren't black and white, your feelings are valid, and there are people here for you, you are not alone.

If you're thinking about hurting yourself please call the National Suicide Prevention Lifeline at 1-800-273-8255 or visit suicidepreventionhotline.org to live chat with someone. Help is out there and you are not alone.


Cover Image Credit: BengaliClicker

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Not Everyone's Struggle Is Life Or Death, And That's OK

Someone's going to have it worse than you because that's how life is, but that doesn't make your problems meaningless.

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I was in probably 9th or 10th grade when I heard something that stuck with me. They said, "Think about this the next time you go to complain about your struggles; Someone else has it so much worse. Someone lost a parent or a husband today."

While this is true, I don't agree with it.

In fact, I think it's the farthest thing from the truth. Obviously, someone's going to have it worse than you because that's how life is, but that doesn't make your problems meaningless.

As someone who has dealt with some terrifying things, I don't want people to feel bad about telling me about their struggles. I wanna know that you've been feeling super depressed or that you bombed your history final. I wanna be there to watch Netflix and eat Chinese with you when you get dumped or take a drive around town because you're confused about life. I wanna know that any time you try to hang out with your best friend, his s.o. tags along and you have no idea what to do about it. I wanna know that you have a fever and need someone to bring you dinner or fill you in on what happened in class.

Yeah, I had a deadly disease, so what? I have days like these all the time.

I was the girl who bombed her history final even though I spent hours studying and the girl who had the flu and needed someone to bring her food. And now, I am a girl who has been trying desperately to not feel like a third wheel every time I get food with my best friend.

And you can be damn sure I complained to my mom about all of it.

My point is, each of us is struggling with something in our lives and we should be able to share it with the people in our lives.

If someone is truly there for you, they won't have any second thoughts about listening to your problems, no matter how minuscule they seem.

And if they do have second thoughts, well they were never really there for you in the first place.

So be honest. If you're having a sucky day, tell your friends. If you bombed a test, tell your classmates because chances are, you're not the only one. If you just found out you're presenting a ten-minute speech in two days, complain to your roommate, then get to work.

Your problem may not be life or death, but if you're struggling, tell someone.

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