Dear Grammy,

Nineteen. This past week hit that marker. The marker of how many years we have not been graced with your presence. People often say after we lose someone that we need to move on, but I disagree to a certain extent. We do need to move on with our lives, but what people do not know is that we live with the wound of losing a loved one every day. As the day came where nineteen became the new number I thought about you as I do every day. I grappled over of all the questions or events I would love to ask you about.

“Are you proud of me?” “What would do you think about my life right now?” “What do you think about where my life is going?” “What did you think when certain events happened in my life?” “What piece of advice would you give me right now?” These are only a few of the plethora of questions spinning in my brain anytime I think of you.

Sometimes I get angry. Why did you have to leave this physical world so early? There are so few memories, pictures, things you left here that I can pick up or think of you instantly. Why do the other kids at school get to be with their grandparents when the only time I get to be with you is when I visit your stone? Anger and jealousy have definitely run through my bones for the last nineteen years, but I have definitely come to terms with several things.

I know you are proud of me. You were always one of your grandkids’ biggest cheerleaders. You would think all of your grandchildren’s lives are pretty awesome right now. You would even love your great-grandchildren so much. You do love them so much. I think the biggest piece of advice you would give not only me, but everyone right now is to take ahold of life right now. You only get one shot, make the most of it.

When anyone comes up to me at an event and say your grandma would be so proud of you I say, “Thank you so much” in the moment. What people do not know is how proud that makes me. So proud I even go into a quiet place after they say it and cry a little. I cry because of how honored I am that they said that and to be your grandson.

So, anger and jealousy may fill my veins sometimes. I may have many questions for you that I will never get answered for me in this physical world. And nineteen may have just became our new mile marker. However, all of that goes away when I think of how proud you would be of all of us. How much love you would have for all of us.

I look at my photos from high school graduation, scholarship luncheons, family gatherings, and baby showers and most would see an empty slot where you would be if you happened to be here. However, I always see you right there. In all those photos I can see you with the biggest smile on your face and arm around me. When I look out our front door over to your house it does not look nearly as empty to me, as it does to most people. I can see you sitting on the front porch telling all the neighbors about how proud she is of her family.

The mile marker may have been hit and will continue to grow, but it does not matter to me. I know you are always around, even as I sit here typing this. You have your hand on my shoulder, smiling, saying to all of your friends, “That’s my grandson”.

With forever love,

Your Grandson