They say that timing is everything. Maybe if we had met later down the road then I would have been able to fully appreciate us and not feel the need to look elsewhere. Maybe I would have been more sure of what I really wanted. Maybe I would have been able to see that I didn’t need to leave in search for something that was right in front of me. Maybe I would have been better to you, better for you.

But time does not wait.

I have never been one to prefer being in a relationship, to entertain the thought of being married one day, or to give any thought to having a future with anybody. For the first time ever I saw the possibility of that with you, and that terrified me. The thought of it consumed my mind so much that I started questioning everything and searching for reasons why we shouldn’t be together. When I couldn’t find any I created my own. I lost sight of what I had and started wondering what could be. I lost my mind.

If you take away nothing from this letter except for one thing, let it be that I’ve learned my lesson in the worst way- but it’s not the lesson that you think. I know better than to act dishonestly and I didn’t need for everything to fall apart for me to understand why it’s wrong. Instead, it is the intent behind the mistakes made that is crucial for you to know, and it takes understanding the reasons why they happened to finally be able to move forward.

My intention was not to spite you. It was not a retaliation, nor was it done out of resentment- in all honesty, it had nothing to do with you. I never wanted to hurt you. I never wanted to flip our worlds up side down, and I never wanted to lose you. If I could take everything back, take back all of my mistakes and all of the pain and doubts that they’ve caused you, I hope you know that I would. There is no apology genuine enough to make up for my foolishness, but at least I can say that I gave it my best shot. Although you’ve made it clear that it’s too late now, it’s important to me that you know I didn’t come out of this unchanged, and it wasn’t all for nothing.

In losing you I’ve learned a lot about myself and the flaws that inhibited me from being all that I ought to have been with you. I learned to not become so wrapped up in the end result that I forget about the process of getting there. I learned that I should not envy the life and freedoms of other people when I have everything I could ask for. I learned that being comfortable with someone is not synonymous with being complacent. I learned that I can’t let my fear of missing out inhibit me from appreciating the person that I do have. I learned that I should let love and life run its course instead of trying to control what is to come.

I experienced the true feeling of not knowing what you have until it’s gone. I realized that maybe we could have ended up together but because I didn’t give it a chance I’ll never know for sure. I know now that you don’t have to experience the world to know a good thing when you see it. In the truest sense, you were my everything; I just didn’t know it until we were nothing.

I acknowledge that there is no one else to blame but myself, my indecisive nature, my fickle heart, and the fears and doubts that stem from these. For this I will always be sorry. Losing you is my biggest regret, and I am reminded of it everyday- I have no choice but to miss you.

Because when the shock wore off, and the distractions stopped working, I finally felt it for all that it was- the loss of a love, the destruction of trust, and the end of an era. Everyone copes with heartbreak differently, so you’ll continue pretending as if I never existed and I’ll look for any excuse to reach out to you. When that fails, I'll just keep telling myself that everything happens for a reason.

I hope that one day this will all subside and you will be able to see us for what we were. I hope that despite all of your best efforts to hate me, you remember what brought us together rather than what tore us apart. You have left a permanent mark on my life, and for that I will always have nothing but love for you-with or without you.