Dear (ex) Best Friend,
I want to start this letter off by clarifying that I don't hate you and I never did. This isn't necessarily written just for you, but for us both, and the people we used to be.
When I first met you, I knew that were going to be friends forever. We met at such a vulnerable time in our lives: the beginning of college! The turning of a page; the start of a brand new chapter. We wanted to figure who we really were and we didn't care how we did it. Our friendship began with a simple act of bravery, and a spot beside you at the lunch table. A few conversations about music later and we were hooked. From then on, we became inseparable.
I don't think anyone knew us apart. It was a brand, or a type of identity we created that we were okay with. We shared many secrets and laughs during forbidden school night sleepovers, and we learned so much about each other. I could never forget these days even if I tried, and I will always hold them dear to me.
We had other friends. We even had mutual friends, but we were best friends, and my God did we care so much. Care too much as in, if I wasn't in my room all day, you would be worried to the point of sickness. Or, if you liked a guy I'd have to get to know him first. And I really think that's where we went wrong. We let our friendship and the identity it made for us consume us alive, and it led us down the road to toxicity and codependency. And it wasn't just you or just me. It was both of us, and neither one is entirely to blame.
At the time, it destroyed me. I worked my entire life trying to figure out who I am. And I felt like I had finally found it when I met you. I'm almost positive you felt the same way. I had so many sleepless nights right after our falling out wondering if we were ever going to be friends again. It was only recently that I realized that we had a codependent relationship. As a result of that, our friendship became very toxic.
We didn't find ourselves, we found each other. We relied on one another for support and company. We got angry when we didn't put the other person's needs before our own. We wanted acceptance from each other, and wouldn't stop at anything to get there. In the end, we became dishonest, and disloyal.
Looking back, it seems so much clearer to me. And I am more willing to accept our outcome. However, it does make me more hopeful for the future. I do believe that once we find ourselves, or create ourselves, and experience a little bit more in the world, we could possibly look at rekindling a friendship. I'm all for it.
Love always,
Your (ex) Best Friend
