Dear Grandma,
Originally when I wrote this, I named it A Letter To My Grandma With Terminal Cancer. But then I realized that, that title wasn't really fair to you. You shouldn't be labelled as " the grandma with terminal cancer." For the majority of your life you didn't have cancer. Plus, I don't even call you grandma. I call you Ba Noi (Vietnamese for grandma.) And that's all you need to be known as: a loving, caring Ba Noi.
Throughout my childhood we hadn't been that close. There are various reasons why: the language barrier, your decline in hearing, the distance between our homes, etc. But it's also been my lack of attentiveness and care. I took for granted the fact that I still have three grandmas alive and just assumed you'd live for what seemed like forever. And I'm not proud of that.
These past 2 and a half years that you've been diagnosed, I've been trying to make up for all the lost years. I've tried to go to your house every weekend. I'v e made sure that when I play games with your or listen to your stories. I've tried to do stuff with you whenever I can. But I'm finally realizing that these small moments will never make up for all the others I missed. And I'm sorry.
Listening to your stories I've realized how strong of a woman you truly are. You've survived heartbreak, war, immigration, and nine kids. And let's not forget your biggest accomplishment: long surpassing your projected lifespan. That's a lot for one person to go through in a lifetime. I'd be lucky to be half as strong as you are someday. By the time you were my age you had already overcome and accomplished so much more than me. It's truly humbling to have you as a grandma. It reminds me how blessed I am to have been raised in a stable household. It reminds me how blessed I am to have hardly any trials or tribulations to write about. It reminds me how easy I have it.
My professor in my University Seminar class told us that there was no such thing as unconditional love. I disagreed when I thought of you. You have so much love to give, and I truly believe that you give it all to your family without any hesitation. I have never seen love more pure, deep, and unyielding than yours. You love all of us for who we are, no matter what we do, say, or think. Even if you disagree, you'll put it aside because your love is unbreakable.
However, he also said something I agreed with.
He asked my class what was more important: time or money. For the most part, people said time, but a few were holding on to money. They made a strong argument too. They believed that without money, in this generation, you couldn't survive; and unfortunately that's true. But then he talked about how his mom had died a couple months ago. He talked about how all the money in the world couldn't buy back the time he spent with her. He talked about how his memories of her is all he had to cling to and how much he missed her every day. He talked about how we could all be the richest people in the world someday... if we could figure out how to turn back time.
I realized that I would feel like that someday, with you. Some day I will have to wake up and miss you rather than see you. Some day I will only have a memory to cling too, not a person. And I think it about that often, and what I'll do when you pass. But I've also realized that it's selfish of me to feel this way. That you've fought for so long and so hard against cancer; that you deserve to move on whenever you feel the time is right. I trust that you're strong enough, smart enough, and brave enough to know when that time is. When I look into your eyes, I never see fear. I always see resilience.
Throughout my childhood we hadn't necessarily been that close. There are a lot of reasons why. But I know you don't care about any of that, because you love me unconditionally. And for that I'm forever thankful.
So thank you for the love, stories, laughs, and food. Thank you for the memories and the traditions. Thank you for choosing to dedicate the majority of your life to your family and showing us what selflessness looks like. We are all better people because of you.
Con thương Bã môi mhiều.
I love you Grandma, very much.
With love,
Brynn
