When it comes to life right now, your motto is generally "so far, so good." You are so positive. please hold on to that.

It bugs you when other people put themselves down, but you do it too and don't think that just because it stays inside your head that it doesn't count. It counts.

Part of me wants to tell you to stay quiet and not tell him how you feel. Because I know the bad that came from letting that become something more. More than just opening up to a friend, more than just funny memes, more than just laughing over the same TV shows. Part of me wants to say "he's not worth the hurt" because a fun thing about five years from now is that you'll finally understand hurt and bitterness. I wish I could pin it all on him, too. That would make things easier.

But, I want you to tell him.

Because when you did you learned one of the biggest lessons of your life. You learned what it meant to love someone unconditionally. You learned your capacity to love and you learned how much you needed to feel loved. Most of all, you learned where your limits were.

He's going to show you how special you are, and it's going to push you to do more than you can imagine. You had it inside you to do these things on your own, but you needed him to show you where to look.

Let yourself be open. Let yourself acknowledge your feelings and be honest about them. People are going to tell you that you're crazy, and they're not wrong. But you're a good kind of crazy. You're the kind of crazy that would stay up all night before a test to talk to a friend who needed the comfort of another's company. You're the kind of crazy that would say yes to doing something spontaneous because you know it's going to end in good memories, or at least you hope. And honestly, that's the craziest thing about you; you're so hopeful. You hope you make your friends feel loved and welcome, you hope your dad gets better and can go back to work because he's always happier when he works. You hope your mom isn't stressed about the bills again. You hope you do well in school (spoiler: you do just fine). You hope one day your sisters come back to church and remember what it feels like to feel loved by the most important being in the universe. And you hold on to that hope and you let it pull you forward. Even when you feel completely alone you don't stop because you hope it gets better, so you stick around to find out. Believe it or not, to this day, I think you're strong. I'm not mad at you for what you're going to decide right now because you helped make me. You'd lose your mind if you knew what I did to your hair. I think you'd like it though.

Keep giving more than you take. Keep watching and making sure everyone else is taken care of, but remember to count yourself when you number the people that need someone to care. You deserve to be loved. You deserve what God gives you.

I love you.

Sincerely,

You, at 20.

P.S. Remember when he told you that he saw you marrying someone goofy with a constant 5 o'clock shadow, who loves to write, and will love being with your kids? Weirdly, he was spot on. You're marrying the best person for you. Get hype girl.