Dear Loneliness,

My mind is crashing to understand the complexities of your very nature.

You clothe me with your warmth yet allow that same heat to erupt like a wild fire disrupting my mind and allowing chaos to run through my veins.

Our relationship is so toxic.

Our relationship is so cruel.

But, I can’t help but yearn for you when I am in a room flooded with a sea of people. I crave for you to envelope me and hold me so close as my thoughts begin to find a balance and my heart rate is placed at ease. You have a special way of leaving me be, but also reminding me how close you really are. I don’t have to pretend to be anyone else, but myself. And you glorify in my vulnerabilities, unleashing a wave of emotion through my body. I sit, and I am encompassed into a frail blanket of utter nothingness. My mind goes blank, eyes peek through the palm of my hands, and you’re sitting across from me, smiling.

And I smile back, as a single tear escapes my swollen eyes and slowly glides down my cheeks, hitting my bare knees. I rub the tear into my dry skin. I allow you to use me, because I find peace within the darkness you provide.

Yet, while I sit in my room and allow my fast paced thoughts to overtake me, and my breathing vastly heightens, I grab hold of being and rock viciously on the floor. Eyes suddenly widen, the cool air caresses my back and reminds me to breathe deeply and relax. I close my eyes and I feel your presence right next to me.

I stare blankly at my ceiling while laying on the floor, and I feel free.

Free from unwarranted pressure and judgement

Free from expectations and circumstantial love

My thoughts have slowed, and my breathing has followed suit. You comfort me only like you know how to. I don’t remember the disorder that just occurred only minutes prior. I’m only focused on muddled relief you seem to offer me when everything else around is planted on sinking sand. At least with you, I know exactly what to expect. We’re a beautiful paradox.

Your poisonous peace helps me remain calm.

Thank you for remaining an erratic constant in my life.

With Corrupted Solidarity,

Alicia