I’ve always been careful about who I care about. Most of which are family; the people I know will always be there for me. Friends always come and go. Some don’t have a choice to leave, others feel like they are allowed to come and go as pleased. This is the reason I never get too close to people. I have always thought that I’m just a pain to have around. Always the second thought and never the first. Whenever someone asks me to tag along, I always ask if they’re sure. I don’t want them to pity me, or feel like they have to invite me along. I’ve always wanted a friendship that was effortless. A true bond where I never have to question if my presence is more of an annoyance than a gift.
This is also the reason I never dated while in high school. Some believed it was because I was never asked out, but the truth is, I knew what I deserved and if I was to put effort into someone, they better put the same amount of effort into me. I know I’ll always be careful who I hand my heart to. It takes a lot to get to know me. I’m always waiting for that one story, that one sentence that will push them away or make them think twice about being in a relationship with me. This hurts me to the core. I hold a lot of my personality back for a fear of rejection.
Why do I do this? That is a great question, and if you figure it out let me know because I don’t even know why. Maybe it’s the result of all the friends who have slowly cast me out, or all the parties and events I was never invited to. I have heard excuses such as, I didn’t know you enjoy yourself, but even if I had decided not to go, it’s the thought that counts. The idea that you took the time out of your life to reach out to me and ask because it’s something that many people don’t do. Maybe it’s because I’ll always do this for others. I’m always thinking about how others' days are going. I think that’s something I got from my little sister. She has Down's syndrome and is always certain with others. She wants everyone to be happy, and so do I. If someone is upset, I can’t stand it. I have to make them happy again. Maybe it’s because no one but my sister has ever done that for me.
It means a lot to me whenever I’m part of someone else's plans. When they plan a night to the movies or dinner, it’s always nice because I’m usually the one doing the planning. Then, afterwards when we’re out doing whatever I planned, I’m always insecure about whether the others are having a good time.
Some may see it has demanding. To always have to let me know that you do want me around, but I think it means I’m simple. As long as you let my know this one thing, I’ll be happy. I don’t need extravagant things, or your attention 24/7. I just need to know that I’m cared for. It’s as easy as sending my a text asking how my day went, or even a short two-minute conversation on the phone would work, even if I miss the call. It still means a lot because I know you took your time to call. It’s the little things that make me happy, but maybe this is the problem. Maybe people go because I don’t make them happy in the way that they wish. I don’t give presents often, I don’t have much money to throw around. I can’t go out every other night because, like I said, money, or I’m at work, to get money. Maybe it’s the way that I invite people over just to talk, or watch TV because just their presence is enough for me, but is it enough for them?
