Dear Seventeen Year Old Self,
If you're reading this, it means you survived seventeen, your last year as a legal minor, your junior year of high school, your SATs and prom. What you probably don't know is that it also means you now realized how stupid prom actually was, that that boy you thought would change never did, and that there is so much ahead of you, things bigger than high school boys, AP classes and living in a constant tug of war with your parents.
When I was you, I thought I was so much smarter than I really was. I thought I knew it all. Being only months away from eighteen-legal adulthood-I thought I was going to be a free, flying bird. As you will later find out, being eighteen means you got your belly button pierced on your birthday (mom and dad found out that very night when the blood bled through your shirt), you can buy scratch tickets (which you never do) and you will go to jail, real jail not juvie, if you get in trouble with the police (also does not happen *fingers crossed for our future self*) You will also get a tattoo. Any ideas in your head right now? You'd never be able to guess what you ended up with. Hint: it's not that dreamcatcher thing you saw on tumblr. That being said, you are smart. Very smart. Apply yourself dammit. Pay attention in your classes so you can get good grades (I know you get good grades but you can do better) so future self, *ehem me* DOESN'T HAVE TO PAY OFF TONS OF STUDENT LOANS! People might call you a hardo for trying in school. Who cares, you and I both know they respect the hell out of someone who cares about school, someone who is smart and uses that brain in their head.
When I was you, I was chasing a boy who was impossible to catch. He didn't want to be caught, he loved running out just far enough in front of you so that you could never get close. He strung you along with ice cream dates, you'd wear your favorite ripped up jeans, and spray perfume on your neck, but the night would end, and there would be no actual ice cream. You played it cool, oh so cool - you were very good at that. I'm not so good at that anymore- I wear my heart on my sleeve these days. He told you how cool you were, how you weren't like the other girls... HELLO ARE YOU EVEN LISTENING TO HIM?? Cliche Cliche Cliche. You knew he wasn't the one, and honestly, I think you liked the thrill of the chase just as badly has he liked keeping you running after him. Deep down, you knew exactly who you wanted, who was right for you. Let me spoil the ending for you: you end up with the one you belonged with, but you don't end up together forever.
The boy you loved at fourteen, he ends up being the boy you love at eighteen. He'll be the boy in the deepest part of your heart for the rest of your life. When you are thirty eight, married with a house and children, your mind will drift off to him once in a while, during a rough patch, or when Aerosmith's I Don't Wann Miss A Thing is coming in on some old station the radio that plays music from the historic ~nineties~. The way you loved him at fourteen, what you think love is now, neither will compare the love you feel at eighteen. I can tell you that our future self will feel a love even different from that. He will teach you so many lessons, about love and even about yourself. You think at seventeen you have experienced heartbreak, like at sixteen when the first boy to pick you up in his car decides he wants another girl (I promise you this boy peaked at seventeen, you will laugh at the idea of him in later years). That will not compare to the heartbreak you feel when you lose your first love. When this boy breaks your heart, it will shatter. You'll feel like you cannot breathe. You won't eat for days and you can actually feel the throbbing pain in your chest. You are broken, but you are alive. You will struggle for a long time, but eventually you will pick yourself up, dust yourself off and put your pieces back together. You will. You won't be able to put the pieces back exactly how they once were, but the way they fit now has helped shape a new you. She is not better, she is not worse, she has just changed.
When I was seventeen, I cared so much. You care so much about what others think, about how others feel, about the world around you. I'm not telling you that you will become cold and bitter, but you learn to disregard others' opinion, and you learn to put yourself first. You spend your senior year running around with your friends, popping in and out of the house on weekends, worrying about your social life. By the end of your first month of college, you've let your high school friendships slip away, and have felt regret in all the missed opportunities you had to spend time with your family. You realize your parents are people just like you, and that they had lives before you, and they have lives that exist outside of being your parent. You love them. You learn how to become independent from them. You become incredibly thankful for them.
I'm not going to sugar coat it, you go through some seriously hard stuff. You have a lot of bad days, and you struggle. But you are strong, so remember that on your worst days. You will keep continuing to grow, no matter how many times you are stomped on. You survive. You will learn a very important lesson: you are not the only who has suffered, or who is suffering. Everyone has their shit. You will discover this, and you will realize the world is not out to get you, and that you are not the only one who's been through hard times. You will learn how to empathize others; you will learn to recognize those who are trying to help themselves overcome their hardships, and those who allow themselves to continue being victims of circumstance. Be the latter, no matter what. Another important lesson you will learn is that you cannot save everyone. You love putting people back together, it is because you are caring and genuinely want to help others. It is also because it helps you remind yourself that YOU are doing okay, that you are okay. But you cannot keep giving yourself away to people who can't, or won't help themselves. You need to take care of yourself, and keep yourself from falling back into old dark habits of your own.Take care of those you can help, but also surround yourself with other people like you-people who are smart, strong and positive.
Dear seventeen year old self, you might not know it now, but everything is going to end up alright. It may not seem like it now, but you will be okay. In fact, you will be great. You will go to college, you will find your people. You will learn to love all the things you couldn't love when you were sad. You will grow into a beautiful little flower. You will become me, and hey, I'm pretty proud of myself. And I'm proud of you too.
Love,
You, A little bit older, and a little bit wiser self
PS mom was almost always right
PSS you will always be daddy's little girl
PSSS you will end up hating Fireball, I know it's hard to believe
