Dear Potato Chip Producers,
My name is Kate. I’m a 19-year-old college student, which means that I basically live and breathe potato chips, pretzels, and other food products that come in bags and I can buy at CVS. I just want to clarify something before I really get into this letter: I am an avid consumer of your products, and I’m so glad that people like you are around to fuel my junk food addiction. I’ve gotten through many a late night study session because of greasy, crumbly potato chips, and I’m very grateful for your existence.
That being said, I’ve got a bone to pick with you people. Today while I was struggling through my Spanish homework, I decided to open a Family Size bag of Utz Salt & Vinegar potato chips. It was a fairly large bag, so I brought it out with my two friends into the common room and we opened it up. Much to our dismay, it was filled about ¼ of the way with chips. This bag was like, a solid 75 percent air. You know what I can eat? Potato chips. You know what will lead to my starvation? Trying to eat air. Which is what this bag was chock-full of. When I looked into that potato chip bag, I felt as empty as the bag looked. It was not a good day.
I don’t understand why you do this to me, oh great potato chip producers. I really thought we had a special connection. I genuinely enjoy eating; I mean, I’ll eat anything that looks like it might be food, I’m broke and living in a dorm, which means I can’t afford to be picky, but mealtimes are legitimately one of my favorite times of day. Snacking isn’t a hobby; it’s a way of life. So when I open a bag of potato chips, I am full of hope. I get really excited, because I expect there to be chips in the bag, lots of chips that I can eat and lots of crumbs that I can spill everywhere. But with each half-empty chip bag that I open, I am filled with more and more disappointment. And as a college student, I spend a lot of time filled with disappointment; when I take a look at my grades, for example, or when socially interacting with frat boys, or when I close my eyes and wish for magical fairies to come and do my laundry for me. I live in a world full of disappointment; the last thing I need is for potato chips, a solid source of unbridled joy in my life, to disappoint me.
I’m sure there’s a very legitimate reason as to why the bag of salt & vinegar chips that I opened today was roughly 25 percent full of chips. Maybe there’s some safety regulation about potato chip bags, or maybe Utz isn’t doing so well economically right now. I don’t know, and I doubt I ever will. All I do know is that you’ve let me down, potato chip producers, and I don’t think I’ll ever emotionally recover from this until I see fuller potato chip bags.
Respectfully,
Kate
