Dear Papa,
I had a dream about you again a few nights ago. It's been almost a year-and-a-half since you went to Heaven, but we still feel your absence as a family. We try to keep it together for Nannie at family gatherings, but we all still miss you incredibly much.
My dreams about you are always different. Sometimes they're so short that I only remember the specifics for the next few hours after waking up, then the dream is gone. Vanished completely from my brain.
But I remember this one.
It looked like we were in an old Baptist church with a bunch of other people I didn't recognize. The only one in the room that I recognized was you, because you were the only one whose face I could make out details on.
I was going through a line of people talking and greeting them; for some reason, I had a performance there that morning. I guess I was singing. Not a lot of Baptists will put up with a hip-hop dancer on a Sunday morning!
The most important part of the dream, however, wasn't me singing or not being able to recognize anyone else in this new place, but you.
You were the most important part of the dream to me because, in that moment, that was the only chance I had to see you. Until I make it to Heaven and get to see you again, this is the only way I'll be able to see you.
Once I saw you, I forgot what I was doing that second and just ran to you. I embraced you in a hug as big as I could give and you seemed a bit confused for a second. Maybe in the dream, you were still alive and didn't know why I gave you such a big hug. After a minute, you embraced me even more and just held me, your youngest granddaughter, to your chest so I could hear your heartbeat again. It sounded so peaceful.
And gosh how I miss that smile of yours, too! You could just light up a room with it! Waking up from that dream to go to church the next morning, I missed you so much. I told mama about the dream. She definitely misses you too. Sometimes, I'll be in the middle of doing my homework, or I'll be home hanging out with mama and something will remind me of you out of the blue.
The plaid shirt of yours I have in my closet at school reminds me of you working in your garden or sitting in your recliner when we'd visit for the weekend.
Pictures around the house of you and Nannie certainly make it feel as though you're still in Amherst, living in the same house you and she have owned for years.
I remember your voice and that thick Southern accent you had that was the calm our crazy family needed. I remember how you'd barely utter a word and everyone in the room would immediately stop to hear what you'd say. You brought such comfort and warmth to that house. Such love.
It's definitely still there, just different without the patriarch of our family there in person. But you remain there in heart and soul.
Our family looks back on our time with you as cherished and nostalgic, but we look to our future in Heaven with you as joyous and exciting. I can't wait to see you again one day, Papa. I hope I'm making you proud.
Love,
Bryana
