I don't think I'll ever stop learning what confidence means. You grow up thinking it's flipping your hair, wearing pink, and having a hair clip that sparkles. You grow a little older and you learn that confidence comes with popularity and teenage snobbery since all the movies show that its the girls who belittle you that have this precious gem.
You grow up even more and start hating your body for not collaborating with what billboards say it should look like. You think confidence comes in then, with size zero bikinis.
But then if you ask the size zero bikini girls if they love themselves... if they're happy, they'll smile at you maybe...but they too feel an emptiness. They have been taught this whole time that confidence is a mask and they must wear it proudly. No excuses.
And one day it hits you. Confidence is just not the right word. It is the tip of the iceburg, really.
The truth is, what you're looking for, is self-love. It's self-respect. It's self-care. It's selflessness in passion for the world around you and the world inside you.
It's knowing who you are in moments where people question you, label you, or test you because they think they know better. They are confident in a mask they want to give you.
You must love every facet of you because only then, only through that love, do you get to know your "self." You learn what it is you need to feel cared for. You learn how you feel through life, how you love, how you breathe, how you think. You learn to be that hand in your hand.
And so you gain that inner radiance, you earn a light inside that can brighten any room and any face that interacts with it. You see that confidence has nothing to do with providing a face for the world outside and everything to do with facing the girl inside and telling her she's good enough. She's MORE than enough. She's just everything you need for this life.
And I guarantee you, when you pursue such care for your "self," you will be untouchable. No one can take you away from you when you are there, right there, with yourself.
Laura, I know you wrote this because you feel unconfident. You are thinking about what it means because you always thought you were. Everyone thinks you are. But they don't see the waterfalls at night, the insults that come from within when you least expect it, the doubt, fear and insecurity you feel every day in the love people tell you they have for you. For some reason, you don't truly believe it.
There is something in you that is prying on your humility and tainting it with stains of doubt, insecurity, fear, and even body shaming.
You are scared you're not enough for the world.
You are in fear of losing what you love, what you find good.
So, girl, this is the loving part. This is me. I'm here. I'm telling you, you are so special and so beautiful and so amazing and all those loving things you tell your friends... tell it to you too. It's been a pleasure living this life and growing so much and I am so proud of everything.
You. Are. Worthy.
Laura
