I went on my first diet when I was six. It was routine. I would go to the pediatrician and the first question my mother would ask would be: “Is she overweight?” My doctor, a young black-haired Hispanic, would hesitate and say to my mother: “Un poquito” -- Just a little bit. I would duck my head in embarrassment. Without fail, every time. I remember my doctor had a son my age named Sebastian who went to preschool with me and I always wondered if Sebastian’s mom asked that same question. Were all mothers this concerned about their child’s weight? Or was it just mothers with daughters?
Flash forward 12 years, and what seemed like a lifetime worth of diets, insecurities and disordered eating habits, in a pediatrician's office where the walls were painted like a safari. A scale stood at the end of, what always seemed like, a very long hallway, and my mother asked the dreaded question. Except, this time the response was one I had never heard before. In which the doctor’s exact words were, “She is the perfect weight.” My mother responded, “really?” with an underlying tone of disbelief. A few words with lasting impact.
I remember this one moment so vividly because there I was, with my thighs pressed to the crackling paper of the patient bed and tears rolling down my face. Was it relief? Was it resentment? I didn’t know. I still don’t know. All I know is that I had finally heard the words I had wanted to hear: “She’s perfect.” “You are just fine, Natalia.”
Now don’t allude yourself to believe that this is in an effort to bash my own mother because it isn’t. This is in an effort to make known that, whether intentional or not, all mothers do this with daughters. Why? Because they were raised and treated the same way. This is not a domestic problem, this is a cultural problem; this is a generational problem; this is a societal problem.
So here it is, a word to mothers with daughters: stop talking to your daughter about her body; end it. Unless you're telling her how it works. Teach her to eat healthily and generously. Don’t mention if she’s lost weight; don’t mention if she’s gained weight; don’t make her feel bad about the way she eats, looks, or feels.
Encourage her to live in a way that makes her feel energized and loved and beautiful. To run because she’s stressed. To play soccer because she’s competitive. To eat the sprinkled cookie they hand out at the grocery store because it’s her favorite. Because the moment you start to obsess over your daughter’s appearance, she will too. And that, in itself, could have repercussions you never intended.
Jada Pinkett, the mother of up-and-coming musician Willow Smith, said it best. When asked why she let her daughter shave her hair buzz-cut short, she responded:
“The question why I would LET Willow cut her hair. First, the LET must be challenged. This is a world where women, girls are constantly reminded that they don’t belong to themselves; that their bodies are not their own, nor their power or self-determination. I made a promise to endow my little girl with the power to always know that her body, spirit and her mind are HER domain. Willow cut her hair because her beauty, her value, her worth is not measured by the length of her hair. It’s also a statement that claims that even little girls have the RIGHT to own themselves and should not be a slave to even their mother’s deepest insecurities, hopes and desires.”
For a girl, a mother is a refuge, a mentor, and a role model. And for a mother, a daughter is an extension of her own being. This relationship is one that should be built on trust, honesty, and kindness. Allowing yourself to live vicariously through your daughter’s appearance and choices not only leads to resentment, but over time, a loss of trust. Know that there is a difference between leadership and dominion, and take the responsibility of raising your daughter with care. Words matter, and your daughter hears every single one of them; embrace the fact that this is an era in which daughters don’t have to be vessels for their mother’s fears, and let’s raise a generation of women who do a better job at loving themselves.
