To the boy who needs to hear it,

I know you’re scared. Don’t try to tell me you’re not terrified of growing up, of being yourself, of falling in love, of being successful or not. More than anything you want to be adequate, you want to gain approval, you want to be somebody, whatever that means. But because of that you are overcome with fear, and somewhere down the line fear became reality -- so here we are. Heartbroken, lied to, and ultimately, deceived… and I’m not just talking about myself.

Did you know that when I was five years old I was cast in my first musical, "The Music Man"? I’ve never told you, but I was a pretty good actress -- I guess I still am when I have to be. But I’m not nearly as good as you are, what, with the act you put on every single day. I'm not calling you out here as a form of revenge or retribution -- I'm calling you out because you need to hear this. You’re the best actor I know, so much so that I think you’ve even fooled yourself for a good long while. You’ve won countless awards, you’re president of every organization on campus, you’ve got a beautiful new girlfriend. On the outside, you have everything anyone could ever hope for. But behind those certificates and Instagram captions I used to write, you are terrified of letting anyone love you. After all, you don’t love yourself, so why would you let me?

I know who you are, or at least who you let on to be. You love to play Grand Theft Auto and watch HGTV, you’re a year sober from Taco Bell, you’ve seen 6 Taylor Swift shows. But I also know that you’re on medications, your biggest fear isn’t being a good enough parent, you didn’t have many friends in high school. I know you dream of getting intro grad school and helping students just like you and I. If I were to draw out two circles and put these traits in each, there’s no way they would touch, or even come close. There’s no connection between them because there is such a difference in the “you” everyone else knows, and the “you” that’s inside. Maybe you're none of these things and I'm way off; it's possible you don't even know yourself -- and that's okay. But what I’m asking you to do, what you need to do, is to drop the act to find yourself. Erase all the circles, the good and the bad, and figure out who you are and who you want to be. And be that.

It’s uncomfortable, and it’s not easy. We're all just as uncomfortable with ourselves as you are, and just as imperfect, too. You know there are so many traits that make me imperfect, but there are so many more that don't. I know you're the same way, and I was hoping to help you see that.

So where do we go from here? I know it's over, and that's okay. It's not just because she came into the picture, distance, timing, or whatever else we want to blame it on. It's over because you would't let me love you- it's over because you don't love yourself. So I hope with all my heart you find yourself and you love who that person is. I hope you do something, anything, for yourself. And do it without the fear of inadequacy, of change, of heartbreak. People will always think things of you, good and bad. But you must think the best things of yourself first. You will go through a much more difficult life if fear is calling the shots over passion, desire, and dreams. Stop replacing your need for love with your motivation of fear and I can assure you that the best things life has to offer will come your way.

When I told you I liked you, I meant that I liked the real you. I liked the boy I would sometimes get a glimpse of -- the boy who loves using sarcastic memes, who says, “pump the breaks,” way too often, who has a serious conversation at 10 a.m., who loves his niece, who thinks about anything and everything. I liked the boy who I thought was underneath the lunches with the school president, the campus involvement, the facts about about Virginia Tech, the front act you desperately tried to put on. I know you had a hard time recognizing that I liked the real you, but I did. I liked you so very much, and I wish you would like yourself, too.

So in this next season of life, I hope you find happiness. I hope you’re able to put your demons away and find intimacy with yourself, the kind that makes spending a Friday night home alone enjoyable and losing a friendship just a little more bearable. I hope you’re able to find yourself and experience everything I know you deserve. I hope you are able to smile without any fear, for your mind to be present instead of wander, for you to make a decision and be proud of it. I hope you are able to love and be loved in return. I hope what you told me is true, that, "life tends to help people sort things out who deserve them," because I know you deserve life to do just that. And lastly, I hope that five years down the road we can talk about it all, and I can see the man I knew was there all along. I hope you know I forgive you.

I hope you love yourself more than I ever could've loved you.

The girl who wishes you the best