To my best friend, with love, from L.F.
It was early September and we were laughing about nothing in particular while driving hours away from our town. I was swearing that this was not a date. I was kidding myself. That was the day you kissed me. That was the day that everything changed.
It was late September and we were sneaking away from plans with our other friends to kiss in my room - in secret. Two hours later we were sharing a pizza and you told me you loved me for the first time.
It was early October and we were crying in your car because we just had "the talk" where we decided that this probably wasn't ever going to work out. But we tried anyway. I hope you never regret trying. I know that I will not. It was a worthwhile gamble.
It was late October and we were front row at the concert of my favorite band. You were holding me and we were kissing between songs. When we left, we felt indestructible. That night, I told you I loved you, not for the first time, but for the first time, I truly meant it.
It was early November and we were driving to dinner to meet our best friend. You told me on the way there, that you could tell I wasn't happy with the situation we were in. You told me you were going to marry your boyfriend soon. We went to dinner and I cried in the restaurant. That night, we went back to my room and we lied in bed together and we cried. And you held me, and I cried even more.
You kept saying, "Why aren't you mad at me? I want you to be mad at me. I want you to scream at me. I want you to make me feel like shit for doing this."
I did not get mad. I drove to my parents' house that night. It was Thursday night and I did not eat a full meal again until Monday night. Over the course of four nights and four days, I slept over 50 hours. Of those four days, I did nothing but cry and sleep. On Monday, I went back to therapy to get over you.
I have been notorious since I was 11 for constantly having boyfriends and crushes. People have always asked me if I had ever been in love. I used to say "yes", referring to two specific boyfriends - one that I dated off and on for 7 years, one that I dated for a solid and constant year and a half. I had no doubt in my mind that I loved them.
But now, in retrospect, it is early December and I realize that I'm not sure what I had with them, but that clearly, it was not love. Because whatever it was that I had with them was nothing compared to what we had. I don't know...
It has been a month since I called you mine and I have washed every article of clothing, every sheet and every pillowcase I own and somehow I am still finding your brightly-colored hairs everywhere.
You always wore your boyfriend's cologne and sometimes I will catch a whiff of it on someone else and my heart will feel like it is literally going to explode out of my chest.
Sometimes I will wake up in the middle night in a cold sweat because I have been dreaming of your eyes again. Sometimes I will fall back asleep. Sometimes I will not. It's a gamble I'm willing to take.
You are my best friend. I don't think anything can change that. I still love you, but the love is different now, somehow.
Thank you for helping me realize that love is important, but that there is more to a healthy relationship other than just love. Sometimes love is not enough. And that is okay.
P.S. - I will never be able to listen to "Closer" by Halsey & The Chainsmokers without thinking of you, silly girl.
