Dear friend,

I have an eating disorder and I have suffered with it for years. You thought I was going through a phase and I got over it – I didn’t. I eat with you every day. I’m not super skinny and I always seem like I’m happy, so I couldn’t possibly be sick – right? You never knew, and I liked it that way.

I’ve always joked about people with eating disorders. What you didn’t know is that I was joking because I was defensive, not because I am a jerk. Even though you didn’t know, I was still defensive because I knew.

That is ALL that I think about. My ED is my life. It is the very essence of my existence. Even when we were at the bar or watching the football game, all I could think about is eating, not eating, hiding to eat, how many calories were in my beer.

Most days I put on a smile and seem like the happiest girl in the world and that couldn’t be less true. I am happy one minute and the next minute I’m not.

I have severe anxiety. I expect the worst out of every situation. My anxiety paints dismal pictures in my head. They show me that nothing will ever get better and that you will leave me.

I start fights with you to feel something, anything. A lot of the time I am numb. Sometimes my ED needs alone time with me. It creates conflict so I can distance myself from you.

I lose interest in things that I love. I don’t deserve them or have the energy to keep up. I wouldn’t go places with you because I was scared. Every time we left the house, I was terrified that someone was judging my body. I was ashamed.

Most of the days I didn’t do my make-up or wear matching clothes it wasn’t because I was lazy. Sometimes looking at myself in the mirror is too painful.

I was depressed. I was never really okay, and I’m not sure if I ever will be. Some days are worse than others. It’s like a roller coaster; even when I was having the time of my life, my ED was hiding in the back of my mind with the reigns.

Summer is the worst. I act confident on the outside when we go to the pool, but when I go back to the house for water, I am crying, terrified and anxious.

Winter is worse than summer. I wear baggy clothes so you can’t tell if I’ve lost 30 pounds or gained it. That’s the easiest time to hide from you.

I am a perfectionist about everything, which you already know. I have no control at all over my own body so I have to control everything around me to make up for that.

I can’t stand it when you touch me or look at me. I cuddle up beside you, but I’m dying inside. I want to cry every time you poke my arm or accidentally graze my stomach. I try to liberate myself and walk around naked, but the truth is, I haven’t seen my own body in months.

Sometimes when you are talking to me I am thinking about food and haven’t heard a word that you have said. I am thinking about how much I want food, how nasty it is or why I can’t stop thinking about it.

I did drugs to cope. I was scared to talk to someone about the way I was feeling and I needed to escape. When I opened up to my therapist, she helped me find a new way to release everything that I was feeling inside.

It has been the reason for everything. It has ALWAYS been the reason.

Getting close to you was the hardest thing I ever could have done. I am afraid to love. I’m afraid that I will destroy you, because I have destroyed myself for so many years.

Not talking to you about it killed me. On the inside I was kicking and screaming trying to tell you, but I was silenced. I still can’t talk to you about it face to face.

I never wanted to hurt you. I have not been the easiest person to be friends with, but you loved me anyway and for that I am blessed.

Love,

Your friend with an eating disorder