Dear As*hole,
It's a pleasure to meet you, but it is probably more of a pleasure meeting me, am I right? You have probably heard all about me from my dearest friend, and you are probably really excited to meet me. But to be honest, you should be terrified.
Let's just get one thing straight. I don't like you. You are the enemy. You are the guy who is going to come in between my best friend and I so obviously we are going to run into some issues.
Something else to know just for your sake is that I know everything, I see everything, and I hear everything. There is nothing I can't easily find out about you, so watch yourself. Just like how you took a picture on Instagram with a mysterious red head 67 weeks ago, or that one really embarrassing night with that one girl who lived on my floor freshman year, and everything in between. I have already hired a private investigator to make things interesting, so, again, watch yourself.
I would just like to lay some ground rules if you are going to date my girl. First of all, you are not invited to everything. If you have time with your friends, she can do the same. Do not get jealous of the time I spend with her. Second of all, you cannot get mad about the things she tells me. She will probably tell me everything there is to know about you over a quick lunch, so I would keep your sh*t together. Third of all, she might forgive you, but I probably won't. I remember everything that you have ever done in your life. I'm not the one hooking up with you, so I'm probably not going to forgive you. Also, you must consult me on every single gift you ever give her, I know what she likes and what she doesn't like, so this is one of the only cases where I will be willing to help you.
Honestly, we could make a really good team. You just have to be good to her, and you will become one of my favorite people. But if you hurt her, I have already purchased a grave plot in your name. Do not underestimate me, because you will live to regret it.
I am not ashamed to say that my blessing can easily be bought. I enjoy chocolate, Chipotle, Panera, Chick-Fil-A, and Cookout. So if you get me food, I might side with you on something and tell her she's being crazy. The bottom-line is, if you love her as much as I do you have nothing to worry about.
I will leave you with this quote from the Spice Girls, "if you wanna be my lover, you gotta get with my friends." I mean I don't want to get with you, but you understand my point.
Sincerely,
Possibly Your Worst Nightmare
