After 19 years, I think it is time to tell you how I feel. I have been putting this off for a long time. I don't mean to hurt you through my words, but it is time someone says something and we all know that you not be the one to start the conversation.

A couple months ago, I was in a therapist's office and she was asking me to tell her some happy memories I had of you. In all honesty, the only positive memories I have of us were from 14 years ago. 14 years ago. I was five years old. If that doesn't stick out to you, I'm not sure what will. We haven't had a relationship since I was five years old. Do you know how much has changed since then? How much you and I have missed out on?

For years I have been waiting for you to step up and be a father. A simple phone call would be all it would take. Not just one phone call, but calling on a regular basis. A simple request to go out to eat and talk. The thing is, if you did that now, we would sit across from each other in silence. Awkward silence. We would have nothing to talk about. We don't know each other. Now while that is both of our faults, as your daughter it is not my job to try to foster this relationship. I tried for many years to try to foster some sort of relationship between us, but you always seemed less than interested. Would you keep trying to make a relationship work if the other person showed no interest in your life? No, you wouldn't.

You have made little effort in trying to get to know me, your own daughter. This situation would be different if you lived states away, but the thing is you live 10 minutes away. I have your phone number, I know how to get ahold of you. But I have no reason to do. You have the title of Dad but the only reason you have that is because you are half of the reason I am alive right now. There is no evidence of a connection deeper than that.

I do wish we had some sort of a relationship. I truly do. I have had to grow up watching my friends have relationships with their fathers. It was strange. It was interesting. Ultimately, it was heart breaking. It was heartbreaking knowing that I will never have that, or if I ever do it will be when I am older and not when I needed it the most as a kid.

I have tried to figure out why we are like this. I blamed myself for years. I cried so many tears because I thought I wasn't good enough for you. I kept trying to do things that would make you proud. Things that would make you love me. Things that would make you stay. No daughter should feel this way. I know you love me, but you don't often show it. Sometimes I would just like to know that you do. I know that is not on your top list of priorities, but sometimes I wish it was. I know you are not happy. You have never been genuinely happy. A lot of that may have to do with your childhood that I know almost nothing about. The little I know is from bits that mom has told me. I have tried everything I can to make you happy. The truth is, no one can make you happy. No material thing or girlfriend. You are the only one that can make you happy. You are the maker of your own happiness. I wish you would get help. I did and it has helped substantially.

Despite not having you around, I turned out to be a pretty great kid, dad. I am a great student with a bright future ahead of me. I plan on going places and making something of myself. Even though I have no reason to make you proud, I do. That is what I have been trying to do my whole life, make you proud. I thought if I could make you proud, you would stick around. Age, however, has taught me that pleasing people won't make them stay. I want you to stick around because you want to.

Ultimately, the decision is up to you. Choose to have a relationship with me or not. I promise I am not trying to hurt you if you read this. If this does hurt you, just know that hurt is sometimes the result of love. I am saying what needs to be said. I wish for you to find happiness and peace. Either way, I am going to shoot for the stars. I am going to take advantage what this world has given me. Your little girl is going to conquer this world, hopefully with you by my side.

With love,

Your little girl