Day after day, I see posts all over social media that try to describe depression and what living with it is like. Some of them are OK, some have valid points, but they tend to leave out the important stuff, the real stuff. Depression is dark, depression is scary, depression is the absolute worst thing to live with, and I wouldn’t wish it upon my worst enemy. Before I start, I want you all to know that I’m speaking from experience, not from what I’ve read on Tumblr or from the movies I’ve watched. It’s all real and I’m living with it every day.
When many people think of depression, they think of sadness and crying all of the time. Or maybe just listening to sad music all day. It isn’t, but boy, do I wish it was. Too many people have this misconception about depression; that it’s a choice, that it’s something that everyone has the ability to obtain. That not true, it isn’t a choice, it is impossible to be. Depression is chemical, it’s in your brain, it is impossible for you to just wake up one day and decide that you want to be depressed. That idea needs to be cleared out of everyone’s head. No one should want to be depressed, it’s absolute hell and I'm going to share my experience with it and how I’m dealing with it today.
OK, so, I have a question for you: what’s the longest amount of time that you’ve gone without a shower? Two or three days, maybe four? That probably isn’t a question you receive very often, but whatever your answer is, I’m sure that I can top it, unless you of course also have that dark friend that won’t leave your side. And by friend, I mean depression. When I was at my lowest point and the depression had fully consumed me, I stayed in bed for at least three weeks straight, if not more, only getting up to use the restroom. I didn’t shower once in those weeks. It was winter break of my junior year, so I used that as an excuse. I didn’t have school and I wouldn’t be around people, so why would it matter? No one would see me, no one would smell me — I can assure you that three weeks without cleaning yourself doesn’t smell good. Of course, I didn’t care, though. Every single ounce of motivation I had prior to the episode was gone, I couldn’t do anything — and I mean nothing. Along with not showering, I didn’t brush my teeth, I didn’t brush my hair, I didn’t do anything to keep myself clean, I didn’t have the motivation to do so; I didn’t care enough to find that motivation. All I wanted was to lie in my bed forever, I didn’t want to be around anyone, I didn’t even want to be alive. Life was too exhausting for me and I didn't want part of it,
That was more of the "not wanting to talk about" side of depression. I mean, it’s all pretty bad, but that is the worst, in my opinion. So, still talking about the lack of motivation that you have when you’re depressed: Going to school. Going to school is extremely difficult, it was nearly impossible for me. I stayed home so many days because of a few reasons, the first is that I just couldn't find the motivation to get out of bed and to do anything with myself. This was a big problem my senior year. I was 18, so I didn't need permission to leave school. If I couldn't handle it, I would just walk out. On most of my bad days, I just wouldn't show up. My mental health as a whole was another reason that I was out of school for at least three weeks. Depression is evil, it can take over your entire body, it takes over your mind, it completely consumes you. So, with that being said, I had had enough, I was tired of hearing the negative things that it'd tell me, I was tired of disappointing my family and friends, I was just done. So, on December 5th, I decided that I would end everything and that was it for me. That didn't happen though, I thankfully had amazing friends that reached out to the police and saved my life. I was in the hospital for three weeks after that, which wasn't good because it was my senior year and I had so much to do, but I truly am thankful for all of the support that I had.
Depression is a monster, and if it goes untreated, it can be a killer. If I hadn't gotten the help that I did, I wouldn't be here today, I know that for a fact. I can't say that I'm fully recovered — I want to, but that isn't possible. This will be a lifelong illness. But with the medication I'm on, the therapy I receive and the amazing support system I have, I'm able to stabilize and somewhat control it. So please, never be afraid of reaching out: getting help saved my life and it can do the same for you.
Life is such a beautiful thing and we all deserve to be apart of it..
