You are
desolate, down, dispirited, drowning. Desperate for someone. Discouraged, dissatisfied, disappointed. Directing your energy toward dull people that don't shine for you. Diluting your emotions, chalking every feeling up as your downfall. Depressed. Dragging your heart through vacant valleys it should cease to explore. Dropping it from heights that can only destroy. Degrading yourself. Driving into your head that this is what you must accept.
Don't.
Alone. You hate to be alone. But aren't you lonely now? What fills your heart, your body, your mind? A vacant body? A mindless person? A thoughtless soul? What is fulfillment to you? Is it receiving a classic "what's up?" text at 2am? Could you find happiness in a mind that's stuck in the past? No. But you think you can make it work. So you fight and you cry and you battle the voices in your head that say holding on trumps having no one to hold onto. But how could you discredit yourself like that? You're teaching them what respect, what love, what fighting for something means. You're teaching this while you lose yourself. A selfless but idiotic task. Because at the end they leave. They take you with them. They don't take what you taught, they take a piece of your heart. You're lonely again.
Doesn't this become a dizzying cycle of misery?
You weren't put here to live this life you were given, only to drown in your own mess. A mess you contributed to. Purposefully or not, you stayed. And you stayed for your own selfish reasons. You didn't stay because you cared. You are placed on this earth to coexist. To coexist with someone that fulfills your existence.
You can't please everyone. You can't make every separation "mutual." You can't always let go with the ease or grace you wish you could. You don't get to always be the bigger person. You'll make enemies and you'll break someones heart. You can't force people to believe you're a good person. But at the point they mistreat you, who truly cares? It's a waste of energy to worry. Some people just aren't worth the thought or the care.
The root of this is insecurity. Your cluttered thoughts clear into one general consensus: you will remain alone for the entirety of your life. You see your friends happy with someone, interested in someone, in love with someone, going on dates with someone. But you settle for the one that thinks a date is a make out session in the 30 minute time-slot in between classes. What.
Move on. Make happiness in your own seemingly messy life. Mold yourself into that type of person that only accepts what you deserve. The familiar breeze of melancholy must exit your world. A manufactured and manipulated mirage of what should be must distance itself from your clouded vision.
Mediocre memories. Minor memories. Mundane memories.
Moody. Mere. Mean. Minimal.
Migrate toward what you deserve and away from the mockery of a person that you've forced yourself to engage with. You're worth much more than being dragged through the mud.
Allow yourself time to mend.
You may just meet someone in the meantime.
