There is nothing warm about laying in the arms of someone cold.
Like a mid-December night, the air you breathe is lifeless. Life is lackluster. Everything feels cold.
You finally realize it.
Sometimes it's nothing. Sometimes it's overnight. No explanation. No reason.
Something is wrong but no one is brave enough to confront it. A familiar face turns into that of someone you hardly recognize. Everything stops and everything changes. Everything is an argument. Everything is negative. Everything you do is wrong. "You take everything personal." "You don't get jokes." Things he used to love about you turn stale. You have to shove things down his throat that he used to do on his own.
Excuses exude from the pores of his skin...Why he can't talk to you, why he can't see you, why he didn't talk to you for a week straight, why he can't tell you how he feels, why he hasn't invited you over, why he drinks so much, why he acts the way he does.
And quite frankly, it's all bullsh*t.
You stop holding your head high. Your confidence slowly dissipates. You're walking on eggshells. He hurts you and you let it go. He doesn't apologize and you let it go. He talks to her and you let it go. He ignores you and you let it go. You let it all go. Until you ask if he cares or if he's sorry or if he feels a single thing...anything. Because you're bursting at the seams. You have been. And now he's red with anger. Or his face is stone cold. Or he laughs. Because how could you question anything he's done? It's not wrong. He's not wrong. That night he went out, unbeknownst to you, when his plans were with you... it wasn't wrong. When you catch that he was seeing someone else when he first started seeing you...that wasn't wrong. When he has to delete texts... that's not wrong. When you catch him in a lie...it wasn't wrong. When he drowns his mind with alcohol because he doesn't want to see you when he's just a block away... you guessed it, that wasn't wrong either.
He's right.
In his selfish mind, he's not wrong because he doesn't even know how to consider anyone other than himself.
You start to realize you're drowning just to keep him afloat.
The happiness flashes through your head. Who he was flashes through your head. The memories you've made flash through your head. When you met and what he was wearing. Who he was when he first said hello. But you knew for some time that he wasn't that person anymore. You look back on memories and realize there was always a void. The things done for you weren't genuine, they were done so he could use them as ammo later. He did them to please you and to make up for the lack of happiness he provided you with. There is nothing worse than someone changing your perception of them. But you didn't want to leave, you didn't want to give up. Maybe you thought you couldn't. You weren't strong enough. You're not good at giving up. You thought you needed him.
You thought wrong.
You let go and realize...
There was only loneliness, sleepless nights, and crying if you'd stayed.
This emptiness isn't what love is supposed to be. It's not happiness. Respect yourself enough to know that you are deserving of someone far greater than this. There is someone who won't throw you away each and every night. There is someone who will stay up with you on those tough sleepless nights to make everything better. There is someone who will answer your phone calls and light up just knowing you want to hear their voice. There is someone that won't put an inhale of smoke or a bottle of alcohol before you. There is someone who won't let you feel unlovable. There is someone who will show up at your doorstep just to give you a hug and apologize because the last thing they could ever want, is to lose you. They won't let you go when things get tough. They'll fix their mistakes, they'll right their wrongs, they'll listen when you let them know they've hurt you. They aren't okay if you're not okay.
There is someone who will make you laugh and allow you to forget every crack in your shattered heart.
