The first few years after I accepted Jesus as my savior were the best few years of my life. I felt whole, loved, and was just a generally happy person. I felt his mercy and guidance so strongly in my life that I lived without fear and without borders. I began to live with gratitude and with confidence because I knew that my life was in the hands of the powerful, mighty, good Lord. This stark change in my life brought almost a decade of fruitful living that I thought would follow me for the rest of my life and into eternity, but I was utterly wrong. To be frank, I gave up on my faith within the last year and left God behind so that I could move forward on my own.

Now, it sounds crazy that I could leave something so massively good in my life, but, actually, it was easier to leave my relationship with Jesus than it was to maintain it. In all honestly, it was too hard to love Jesus when I looked at the world around me and saw hatred and unrest. It started when I began reaching out to more and more Christians in my life, but only found more discomfort. I saw fake devotion to the Lord as a means for reaching a certain appearance; I saw people who claimed to be Christians, yet segregated themselves from people who needed to hear the good news of Jesus Christ the most; I saw Christians ostracizing the homosexual community instead of loving them; I saw friends and family judge me, judge others, and judge themselves as though they had the power to condemn; I saw that it was “difficult” for Christians to love; I saw a façade that I could not endorse or support and one that made me sick to associate myself with. So, I allowed myself to be an ignorant coward and I took one last look at the cross and turned the other way.

With each step I took, I moved farther from the Father and moved closer to the darkest moments of my life. After allowing myself to shatter, I finally reached the lowest point that I could hit. I started “blacking out”, having deep chest pains that immobilized me, and felt sore and tired most of the time. Finally, I brought myself to the clinic to seek help, but was only diagnosed with having panic attacks from a mild form of depression and anxiety. The doctor lectured me for nearly an hour; yet, I heard nothing as I sat in utter disbelief. It was clear to me that this was the saddest and darkest spot I could allow myself to be in, but I also knew that this point in my life was very intentional.

I knew that my anxiety, attacks, and depression were most definitely curable, but I was just going to the wrong doctor. So, I turned myself around and RAN back to that cross where I knelt, cried, and rose my hands toward the sky as I begged for forgiveness yet again. As always the Lord HEALED me, FORGAVE me, and CLEANSED me of the negativity I had allowed to consume my heart, body, mind, and soul. My life is restarting yet again, but this time, my flame is much stronger. My turbulence brought me a new hope and a new insight that the Lord instilled in me.

Being in a relationship with Jesus will not look like others and one must accept that there will always be disappointments around you that you can’t dwell on. Your heart belongs to the Lord, and so your heart belongs to people. The Lord has taught me that I was made to love the people who are sadly considered “difficult” to love and I will gladly allow others to sit on the sidelines and judge my association with them. Through the Lord, there is only love and that is exactly what I intend to spread. No façade, no hatred, no judgement, and no false discipleship. Purity in the soul brings purity in the growth of His Kingdom.