Would you ever tell someone else that they don't deserve to eat because their weight went up one-tenth of a pound that morning? Would you ever tell someone that they weren't good enough and the only way to compensate was to lose weight? Would you ever tell someone that they don't deserve people's company and compassion because they ate too much that day? The mindset an eating disorder provides is one of false logic. It's a mindset that says you're special, you don't need food to survive, you don't need companionship to be happy, you can continue losing weight and be fine, you'll be the one that finds happiness. It's a mindset that poisons your rational mind and convinces you that you are undeserving of people's compassion and attention, and even more undeserving of self-compassion.
A friend of mine wrote a letter to her eating disorder and wrote, "How dare you disguise yourself as logic?" Reading that line hit home in a powerful way. I look back at my life and ask myself, "Why did I think it was normal to almost pass out walking to the bathroom at work? Why did I not see that I was isolating from people I held near and dear, thinking it was okay? Why was I the exception to humans needing food to survive? Why did I see other people eating and not physically changing but I couldn't do that?" As painful and tragic as it is to admit, none of those circumstances were strong enough, or startling enough, to pull me from the grasp of my illness. It seemed logical to only take in as many calories as I burned when at the gym. I was an exception, I was special. I didn't need food to survive. I had "control" where others didn't. Where I was failing in life because of my illness, I was succeeding at the same time. I wasn't able to concentrate at work and sat with screaming migraines all day, I was failing at building and maintaining meaningful relationships, and I had even lost the ability to do things I enjoyed such as hiking, walking dogs, and running because of a lack of energy. However, the pain of those losses didn't come close to the elation I felt when the number on the scale went down in the mornings. I was good at my eating disorder; I did everything he asked and did it well. As I've said before, an eating disorder thrives when it discovers it can align with your values. I'm a perfectionist and a highly sensitive person and it answered when those pieces of my personality were begging for help.
When I got to residential, I was surrounded by like-minded people going through the EXACT same situation. They told themselves they didn't deserve to eat, they didn't deserve to feel, and they didn't deserve compassion. I wasn't an exception anymore; I was in the majority. However, it smacked me in the face when I found myself telling others exactly what I needed to be telling myself. The encouragement and support from the community was beyond anything I've ever experienced because when we couldn't find the strength to help ourselves, we found the compassion and love to help others. Like I said, I'd never tell someone they didn't deserve to eat, that they were a horrible person, or that they were undeserving of a full, happy life. I fell in love with everyone and wanted the absolute best for them. What smacked me in the face was the fact that they were seeing me in the same light and had such compassion for me. They didn't spend time with me because of my appearance, they weren't attracted to me for the shallow cheeks and sharp shoulder bones. They saw me for who I truly am and loved and accepted me nonetheless. One day I looked at my friend and said, "You are one of the strongest, most beautiful women I know" and she responded by saying, "Olivia, you are gorgeous and I admire your determination in this fight." Both statements were so sincere, and as we finished speaking we both realized that it was so natural to uplift others because it's what we wish we could tell ourselves.
The best compliment I got in residential was that I have layers. While initially a comical Shrek reference, my friend told me that she meant that in complete honesty. I was told by three young women that when I first entered residential they were afraid of me. Evidently my straightened hair, strikingly precise makeup, and sleek black dress evoked thoughts such as: "She's going to be a mean girl", "She obviously comes from a preppy and priviledged life, I don't think I'll be able to get along with her", and "She'd never stoop to hang with a person like me." When I heard those statements I was in tears. I had devoted my life to developing this external identity that I thought would attract people to me, but in fact, it was the opposite. They told me that once I spoke and began to get to know the community they saw the complete opposite. I was told I had such a genuine soul, leadership qualities, and was such an encouraging light in the community. I was told I had the ability to reach into other's pain and encourage in an understanding, compassionate, and open way. I was even told that I had a bubbly personality and was one of the most personable people they'd met. These comments came as such a surprise to me; a young woman who felt her personality wasn't worth anything and her appearance was the only thing that would attract people to her.
So no, I wasn't special in that I wasn't an exception to the rules of society, to the compassion from a community, to the fact that humans need food to survive. But I was special because I have layers. We all do. Think about some of your favorite things right now. My interests range from hiking and yoga to crosswords and Jeopardy. I enjoy Star Wars but I also enjoy Hallmark Christmas movies. I like pancakes but not waffles, I'd rather watch football but play soccer, and I've always hated math but love accounting. Now think of some of your unique characteristics. One of mine is compassion for others which on the outside isn't a unique character trait, plenty of people have compassion for others. Add that to my intelligence, motivation, work ethic, etc. and you begin to build a special collection of characteristics, unique to you and you alone. Think of it as a new song. Every word in that song has been used before and other songs often have many of the same words. However, the words that compose the lyrics of that new song have never before been in that exact order, with that exact rhythm and sound. It's a unique and special song, not because they made up new words, but because of the collection of words it's built of.
To close with the words of Dr. Seuss, "Today you are you, that is truer than true. There is no one alive who is youer than you."
