As I've begun to read back through my journals I noted the distinct timing when I would allow the disorder to write through my own voice and when I began differentiating my voice and it's. Many of us come to a point where we nickname the disorder "Ed," short for Eating Disorder. At first I thought it was the corniest, most stupid idea ever but I promise it helps. It helps because it takes the shame, the guilt, the blame off of your shoulders if even for a second. Being able to blame the voice on Ed and the pain on Ed is the first step to identifying what you personally believe and what you personally want for yourself. It may seem like avoidance, and maybe it is to not take full responsibility for the thoughts and actions, but if it's what helps you get started, it's worth it. A friend of mine in Res once made the comment that "your eating disorder started when it realized it could manipulate and align with your values." This is what makes an eating disorder so dangerous. It consumes your thoughts and manipulates your morals, twisting your own words. Taking the step of separating your voice and Ed's is key because then you can start challenging him.
On August 14, while in residential, we were asked the question: How I View Myself and My Eating Disorder? This was my response: "I view Olivia as a whole but my heart and mind is split in two. Olivia enjoys hiking, biking, camping, and nature while Ed enjoys isolation, dishonesty, exhaustion, and obsession. Olivia enjoys family time, pancakes, Scrabble, and traveling. Ed enjoys torture, control, power, and irritation. We cannot coexist together, save for the one mutual desire to be thin. The disorder says I'm not worthy if the scale is not on our side. He demands I eat this but not that or else there will be hell to pay in the morning. Ed takes Olivia's words and twists them into nasty thoughts and worse behaviors. Starvation at night, Ed's delight. Weight gain in morning, you better take warning. Our two voices appear as a devil on one side and an angel on the other; an age-old battle I'm destined to lose. On the outside, Olivia looks happy, accomplished, and motivated. On the inside she's held at gunpoint, silently screaming for help."
We were then asked: How the Eating Disorder Views Itself? "I am her protector and guide in this dark world," my eating disorder thinks to himself. He offers advice and suggestions, emphasizing our common desires and promises me fulfillment in exchange for a simple daily payment of pounds, energy, and happiness. In total, it's a small lump sum called my life. He's a salesman so skilled he could sell ice to an Eskimo. He knows all the right words to say; whether encouragement while starving, comfort when stressed, or criticism when I feel I should have done better. He's a manipulative parasite that I can't get rid of. To him, I'm a challenge... He wakes up asking himself "How far can I wear this one down before she breaks? I've been doing this with her too long, I'm ready to find my next victim."
I think this advice, of separating your voice from a disordered voice can apply to a variety of situations. Instead of beating yourself up, start by blaming it on your OCD, depression, anxiety, etc. In an aggressive journal entry, I attacked Ed with all my anger: "Olivia, Ed was destructive, dangerous, painful, and was going to kill you. He didn't allow you to enjoy food or time with friends. He took away your ability to enjoy the activities you loved because you were so weak. Your pants were literally falling off, you were cold sitting outside in a blanket, and you had migraines every damn day. You became an emotionless shell of your former self... FUCK ED. You zoned out while driving, you couldn't handle your work, you were dizzy with exhaustion, and had literal panic attacks when you didn't eat the exact same thing every day. You counted calories down to how many pieces of gum you had a day. You weighed yourself constantly and packed the scale for vacations like it was your friend you couldn't imagine living without. Ed is high maintenance as fuck and he's taken his toll on you." I want to challenge everybody to take a deep breath and give yourself a break. Life is hard, I understand, but don't make it harder than it has to be. Allow yourself to make mistakes and if you have to, blame it on the voice in your head. It's not crazy, I promise. It's the first step to finding your voice and expressing your true self. YOU ARE NOT YOUR DISORDER; don't let anybody, especially yourself, treat you like you are.
