Picking up chicks

Your Chick's Guide To Picking Up Chicks

And I'm not talkin' about Gal Pals....

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After the glitter coated glow of Pride month and the seas of nail-biting from my coming out, I have officially hit my first bisexual dilemma.
My first real oppression.
How in the world do I flirt with girls? No, honestly. Our Lord and Savior, KingPrincess, help me! How am I to tell which of the many nice girls with their nice eyes, and their other nice Everythings, want me as a Comrade or as a Canoodler? As a Gal-Pal or Good Time? As a Friend or a Faditzer? (Hi my name's Lauren, age 19, and my strengths are making up synonyms for frick-frackin'. you get the gist.)
See, I've always had the luxury of some lanky boy to stutter his way into asking me out to rely on, but now here I am. I'm not lanky. I'm no boy. But here I am st-st-stuck in my endeavors to find a girl who'll actualize those butterflies hidden in my stomach all these years.

Thus, I have compiled this *helpful* and *realistic* and in no way *farcical* guide to help not just me but You Other Lesbian or Pan gal into finding yourself your new lezbo lovah! (Sorry! I just had to! "Lezbo lovah" just looked too silly to not write.)

LET THE BATH AND BODY WORKS SCENTED SEDUCTION COMMENCE!

1. Be a person that identifies as female. Makes things a lot easier to weed out the lesbos when you yourself have the lesbo gene which we all know is the 2nd X chromosome.

2. Get a Tinder, and proceed to swipe right on all the girl-crushes you've stifled acting upon up to your coming out.

WARNING: By putting your applicational heart on your sleeve, you will encounter incredibly uncomfy eye contact with about all of the girls you swiped right on. These incredibly stunning Level 10 Lezzies know your kind, and will thus, not engage in right-swiping. Your eyes will meet. Only your breath will hitch. And then she'll pretend she's getting a call because she does not want to look at you or your dirty sneakers anymore.

Or just set it to a 50-mile radius.

3. During Pride month, keep a list of what Type of Gay they come out as Pan? Gay? Bi? Lesbian? Lipstick-Lesbian? College Lesbian Who's Gonna Marry That Kappa Slappa Nu Guy? or Butch?

4. Date your gay friend's Ex. And then when things don't work out (Like one of y'all won't agree to the threesome... lookin' at You STACY...), then date your now Ex's Ex. Once the initial infiltration has commenced, you can now sleep your way through the entirety of the Lez League of Evil Exes.

At least until there's a repeat... lookin' at you Again STACY...

5. Be the Secretary of your local LGBTQIA club, because we all know, the President is just there for resume-building stuff and the Vice President's always just an Ally. Secretary's where it's at. You get to handle paperwork such as the club's member roster complete with the phone number's of all your Only-a-Walk-Away-Lady-Lovers.

6. Seek out the girls with dyed hair. WARNING: Be on-guard for Art-Hoes. If she collects comic strips from the New Yorker- that is NOt a Lesbian! Repeat! Not a Lesbian! However, if she has teal hair And wants to Occupy Wallstreet, then she probably wants to occupy the space between your legs too.

7. See who's still asleep 10 AM on a Sunday. Because we all know the Gays™ aren't welcomed to the Church™.

8. Is she wearing a Canadian Tuxedo- AKA denim on denim? You found yourself a Proven Lesbian, now go get her champ.

9. Be So Hot you make the straight girls question themselves. Live out that long-awaited Lesbian dream of converting that mythic Manic Pixie Straight Girl.

10. Flock to the pixie cuts or get a pixie cut. Because we all know a pixie cut makes you look more like a boy, and Lesbians secretly still just wants boys. RIGHT??? RIGHTTT!!! ALL OF THIS IS JUST PENIS ENVY ISN'T IT FREUD!? Or get one to go as Tinker Bell for Halloween- lesbians eat that shit up. (Side Note: Tinker Bell was definitely Lez. Thank you for coming to my TedTalk.)

11. Blast Haley Kiyoko wherever you go. The Queer Queen's siren song floats all Within-Earshot-Women your way like in the cartoons when they wolf smells a distant pie resting on the window sill. After playing "Curious", that pie won't be the only thing that's getting eaten tonight.

12. Take the only Women Studies or Feminist course offered on campus.

13. Teach the only Women Studies or Feminist course offered on campus.

14. Be the first in line when your local theatre shows "Wonder Woman 1984", but Don't Dress Up. You wanna attract Fuck-Buddies, not Fan Girls. Additionally, spit on every man in line because of THIS MOVIE ISN'T FOR THEM. THEY GET EVERY OTHER MOVIE. WHY CAN'T THEY LEAVE ONE MOVIE JUST FOR LESBIANS. THEY CAN'T EXPECT US TO WATCH JODIE FOSTER FLICKS FOR THE REST OF OUR LIFE???

15. Stand next to the only copy of the Vagina Monologues in your local library. And just wait. And wait. And one day, it will happen. Know that wait will all have been worth it. One day, she will come to you, and you will feel the sweet resolution to your odyssey. One day, the Eve Ensler will come to your local library and try and get you to show her your vagina. The prophecy says this will be the Second Cumming.

16. When you visit friends' dorms, look to see if they left their Gay Card lying around.

17.Or their 12 seasons of Ellen on DVD.

18. Or their Ellen cosplay. (Complete with Ellen's pixie cut wig, or else they aren't a Lesbian.)

19. Seek out the girl who got in a political Facebook rant. If she's that passionate about Women's Issues, she's gotta be that passionate about Women's Bodies too? Right?

20. Does she wear combat boots? Lesbian.

21. Or a patterned button-up à la Tan France from Queer Eye? Lesbian.

22. Or a full Ellen DeGeneres cosplay complete with blonde pixie cut wig? You know the drill.

22. If "Blue Is the Warmest Color" recently watched in her Netflix queue then you know what to do... ;) Tell her you don't love her anymore in French like Léa and then go cry and keep your mouth slightly ajar all the time like Adèle.

23. Turn your Baseball Hat backward on your head. It will activate a Fairy GodMother-esque spell changing your earrings into gauges, your dirty sneakers into Vans, your Taylor Swift playlist into only GirlPool and Snail Mail, and in your hand- there's now a penny board. But act quick, for the spell breaks at midnight when the Skate Park closes!

24. Or for a different Lez aesthetic, sit at your local coffee shop wearing a black turtleneck. Order one mint tea. Wait. They will come. Be prepared.

25. And finally, don't wear a bra. You won't need to find them, they'll find you.

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21 Reasons You Should Date Someone Who Was A Camp Counselor

Spouse and parent material, all wrapped up in an animal shirt, Nike shorts, and Chacos.
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1. They shop at Goodwill mostly... low maintenance you could say?

SEE ALSO: The ABC's Of Summer Camp

2. They are pretty awesome at talking to parents... opening days have given good practice for them. Give them 15 minutes and they will become best friends with your parents.

3. Their best friends actually are long distance...so you can wait a while to meet their besties who will want to know everything about you and make sure your intentions are good.

4. They have learned how to look decently presentable without showering for a week... maybe two...you may or may not like this one.

5. They are always down for adventure... sure let's hike for eight miles uphill in the middle of the week!

6. They know what it is like to be woken up at 2 a.m. because someone wet their bed... mom training.

7. They also know how to give the "modest is hottest" talk to the teenage campers... and will help give you a classy future daughter.

8. Building fires is their hidden talent... if you ever get stuck on a deserted island with them they can help you.

9. Animal shirts are a common clothing item... they know how to have fun.

10. They throw killer dance parties... ones your grandma would approve of.

11. They are used to being publicly embarrassed for others (their campers') enjoyment... and usually can take a joke or prank well.

12. They also know how to prank you back... summer camp prepares you for awesome prank wars.

13. If you want to see her with no makeup on just look at her camp photos... natural beauty?

14. They actually love children... they chose to spend a whole summer loving other people's kids; imagine how awesome they will treat their own.

15. Chances are they are a really fun person and will bring out your inner child... yes, climb that random tree and paint your face because it is Wednesday.

16. Their "real job" will come later in life... they will end up being successful. Most employers love to hire former counselors, so it is not a waste of a summer.

17. They know how to hide their favorites in life really well... so if they choose to date you they are basically saying you are their favorite and that is a big deal to them.

18. They have learned how to eat unhealthy food every day for a whole summer and stay in shape... or try to at least.

19. They also are obviously not a diva when it comes to material needs...they went a whole summer without even air conditioning and never complained.

20. If they love you anything like they love their campers your needs will always be put first...they are some of the most selfless people you will ever meet.

21. They love God, living for Him, and have already made a difference in many children's lives... they are the real MVPS.

If you are still looking for a place to work this summer and love adventure, Jesus, and children, apply for Camp Crestridge for Girls; they still have many positions available. I'll be there so you should too!

If you are a boy apply for Camp Ridgecrest for Boys!

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Accepting That I Like Women Is My Proudest Accomplishment

You're not supposed to think of soft skin, and ruby lips, and I was.

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I remember being a 12-year-old girl in middle school, who was absolutely terrified to tell anyone that I liked girls. I didn't want to tell my friends. I didn't want my family to ever find out. It was my big secret. It was something that I was so afraid to be judged for, because you're not supposed to be that way, right?

You're not supposed to even think about the same gender in a sexual way. You're not supposed to think of soft skin, and ruby lips, and I was. I was thinking about girls...all the time. I was thinking about the smiles, and the last minute sleepovers, and the intellectual conversations, and the laughs.

My god, the laughs. It just didn't make sense to me. And as I grew older, I couldn't really keep it a secret anymore. I couldn't keep my smile from forming when certain girls walked into the room. I couldn't stop staring when girls would walk away. Even though boys were on my mind as well, in the Forefront of my brain, I couldn't help but imagine myself in a house, with a wife and children, and it was so scary because I couldn't figure out what was "wrong" with me.

Why did I have to be so different? No matter how hard I tried to make the feelings go away, whether it was with mental or physical pain, nothing seemed to work.

I remember being a 12-year-old girl when gay marriage was legalized in New York State.

I remember being a 17-year-old girl in high school when a fellow student called me, and my best friend ' dikes.' I remember being absolutely stunned, and embarrassed. Not only was the statement true, but it had been yelled across the bus as if she was just shouting for my name. This is the moment I had been waiting for. I had been waiting for my entire school career to be judged, and this was it? This is what I was afraid of?

I remember being a 21-year-old woman, when I ran into some people from school, in the gay bar. I remember being a 21-year-old woman when I went to NYC pride and saw a tremendous amount of support. I remember being a 21-year-old woman when I fell in love with another beautiful woman. I remember being a 21-year-old woman when I wasn't afraid anymore.

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