Thus, I have compiled this *helpful* and *realistic* and in no way *farcical* guide to help not just me but You Other Lesbian or Pan gal into finding yourself your new lezbo lovah! (Sorry! I just had to! "Lezbo lovah" just looked too silly to not write.)
LET THE BATH AND BODY WORKS SCENTED SEDUCTION COMMENCE!
1. Be a person that identifies as female. Makes things a lot easier to weed out the lesbos when you yourself have the lesbo gene which we all know is the 2nd X chromosome.
2. Get a Tinder, and proceed to swipe right on all the girl-crushes you've stifled acting upon up to your coming out.
WARNING: By putting your applicational heart on your sleeve, you will encounter incredibly uncomfy eye contact with about all of the girls you swiped right on. These incredibly stunning Level 10 Lezzies know your kind, and will thus, not engage in right-swiping. Your eyes will meet. Only your breath will hitch. And then she'll pretend she's getting a call because she does not want to look at you or your dirty sneakers anymore.
Or just set it to a 50-mile radius.
3. During Pride month, keep a list of what Type of Gay they come out as Pan? Gay? Bi? Lesbian? Lipstick-Lesbian? College Lesbian Who's Gonna Marry That Kappa Slappa Nu Guy? or Butch?
4. Date your gay friend's Ex. And then when things don't work out (Like one of y'all won't agree to the threesome... lookin' at You STACY...), then date your now Ex's Ex. Once the initial infiltration has commenced, you can now sleep your way through the entirety of the Lez League of Evil Exes.
At least until there's a repeat... lookin' at you Again STACY...
5. Be the Secretary of your local LGBTQIA club, because we all know, the President is just there for resume-building stuff and the Vice President's always just an Ally. Secretary's where it's at. You get to handle paperwork such as the club's member roster complete with the phone number's of all your Only-a-Walk-Away-Lady-Lovers.
6. Seek out the girls with dyed hair. WARNING: Be on-guard for Art-Hoes. If she collects comic strips from the New Yorker- that is NOt a Lesbian! Repeat! Not a Lesbian! However, if she has teal hair And wants to Occupy Wallstreet, then she probably wants to occupy the space between your legs too.
7. See who's still asleep 10 AM on a Sunday. Because we all know the Gays™ aren't welcomed to the Church™.
8. Is she wearing a Canadian Tuxedo- AKA denim on denim? You found yourself a Proven Lesbian, now go get her champ.
9. Be So Hot you make the straight girls question themselves. Live out that long-awaited Lesbian dream of converting that mythic Manic Pixie Straight Girl.
10. Flock to the pixie cuts or get a pixie cut. Because we all know a pixie cut makes you look more like a boy, and Lesbians secretly still just wants boys. RIGHT??? RIGHTTT!!! ALL OF THIS IS JUST PENIS ENVY ISN'T IT FREUD!? Or get one to go as Tinker Bell for Halloween- lesbians eat that shit up. (Side Note: Tinker Bell was definitely Lez. Thank you for coming to my TedTalk.)
11. Blast Haley Kiyoko wherever you go. The Queer Queen's siren song floats all Within-Earshot-Women your way like in the cartoons when they wolf smells a distant pie resting on the window sill. After playing "Curious", that pie won't be the only thing that's getting eaten tonight.
12. Take the only Women Studies or Feminist course offered on campus.
13. Teach the only Women Studies or Feminist course offered on campus.
14. Be the first in line when your local theatre shows "Wonder Woman 1984", but Don't Dress Up. You wanna attract Fuck-Buddies, not Fan Girls. Additionally, spit on every man in line because of THIS MOVIE ISN'T FOR THEM. THEY GET EVERY OTHER MOVIE. WHY CAN'T THEY LEAVE ONE MOVIE JUST FOR LESBIANS. THEY CAN'T EXPECT US TO WATCH JODIE FOSTER FLICKS FOR THE REST OF OUR LIFE???
15. Stand next to the only copy of the Vagina Monologues in your local library. And just wait. And wait. And one day, it will happen. Know that wait will all have been worth it. One day, she will come to you, and you will feel the sweet resolution to your odyssey. One day, the Eve Ensler will come to your local library and try and get you to show her your vagina. The prophecy says this will be the Second Cumming.
16. When you visit friends' dorms, look to see if they left their Gay Card lying around.
17.Or their 12 seasons of Ellen on DVD.
18. Or their Ellen cosplay. (Complete with Ellen's pixie cut wig, or else they aren't a Lesbian.)
19. Seek out the girl who got in a political Facebook rant. If she's that passionate about Women's Issues, she's gotta be that passionate about Women's Bodies too? Right?
20. Does she wear combat boots? Lesbian.
21. Or a patterned button-up à la Tan France from Queer Eye? Lesbian.
22. Or a full Ellen DeGeneres cosplay complete with blonde pixie cut wig? You know the drill.
22. If "Blue Is the Warmest Color" recently watched in her Netflix queue then you know what to do... ;) Tell her you don't love her anymore in French like Léa and then go cry and keep your mouth slightly ajar all the time like Adèle.
23. Turn your Baseball Hat backward on your head. It will activate a Fairy GodMother-esque spell changing your earrings into gauges, your dirty sneakers into Vans, your Taylor Swift playlist into only GirlPool and Snail Mail, and in your hand- there's now a penny board. But act quick, for the spell breaks at midnight when the Skate Park closes!
24. Or for a different Lez aesthetic, sit at your local coffee shop wearing a black turtleneck. Order one mint tea. Wait. They will come. Be prepared.
25. And finally, don't wear a bra. You won't need to find them, they'll find you.