When I thought about writing this article, admittedly I was extremely hesitant. As a writer, I use my truth and my life to create content. That’s how I roll. However, the mere idea of writing an article about why I left my job sent red flags all around. I was worried that a future employer would look me up and see my writing and deem me unfit for their job. My friends felt the same way- they did not want me to jeopardize my future because of one article. I almost didn’t write this – but then capitalism would've won. The faults of our society would’ve succeeded.

You see, that is how our economic system sinks its fangs into us and controls our lives. We are taught that everything we do needs to turn us into perfect workers. We need to be wary of who we are, what we do, what we wear and even what we share in our personal lives because we wouldn’t want to be seen as an individual that should not be employed. I rather speak my truth and let whatever consequences follow than become a capitalist zombie. Plus, if a future employer can judge me because of an article I wrote in college than that says more about them than about me.

So. Why did I leave my job of 5 years with no long term employment lined up? Here it goes. (If you are expecting an expose of any sorts you’re reading the wrong article. This is about me and who I am.)

1. I cannot be controlled by the dollar.

Money has tremendous power and people with money have tremendous power. I thought I was safe from that in a community service program. However, to stay afloat we needed grants and such. These folks who were giving us money expected things in return. They didn’t want us to give them our first born but they had a list of expectations that were listed in our contract and if we didn’t meet them then ultimately the program would no longer receive those funds. This necessarily isn’t the problem. The problem is when these expectations force the young people we are meant to serve to lose their voice because they have to meet these expectations that they necessarily don’t want to be a part of. It sets up this dynamic of powerlessness where folks in office buildings control the people who are in the fields trying to impact lives. I could no longer be controlled by the dollar and put the needs of the children second.

2. There was no longer any room for growth.

My job was special – they gave young people the opportunity to grow within the agency and take on leadership positions. Understandably, I couldn’t grow much past my current position without a bachelor’s degree. Yes, one can’t always be at the top. Nonetheless, when you are not respected as much because you don’t have a degree that’s when the problems begin. I can learn and grow from people who are more advanced in their career than I am but when those people think they cannot learn from me because I am a sophomore in college – that’s where I draw the line. When you know your value and what you have to offer don’t ever let anyone treat you less than

3. I became complacent.

When you are a part of an organization for 6 years you become extremely loyal to them. Loyalty is fine. However, when you are 20 years old and you have an attachment problem that can prove to be counterproductive. My old job was my safe space. I grew in the program and it did change my life. Nevertheless, I would’ve been doing a great disservice to myself if I remained there because I was comfortable instead of taking a risk and going out into the world. It would’ve also been a disservice to all the other young people who deserved the chance to grow the way I did. They didn’t deserve an old participant to hog all the jobs.

4. I needed to put myself first.

I have a giving problem. This problem stems from personal struggle. I know how it feels to be without so when I get I feel like I have to “feed the hood”. This was quite true with my old job. I felt indebted to the program and to all the leaders that came before me. I felt like I had to uphold their legacy and couldn’t leave until I was sure the program would be fine. I did not think I was the holy grail that would save the program but I knew I cared to fight to ensure it maintained its grandeur and upheld its good reputation. That was a lot of pressure on me. When I felt the end nearing I convinced myself that I couldn’t leave because I had to continue serving and helping. You can imagine how much emotional turmoil I faced when I really wanted to leave but I felt bonded by commitment to the mission of the program. That was an extremely unhealthy mental space and I had to get out. As young people, we need to know when to leave and to stop carrying the world on our backs. Our spines will break and we won’t be able to rebuild ourselves back up.

5. I needed a break.

I have been working consistently since my first Summer Youth in 2010. I need a break. This summer, I will be interning with CUNY Service Corps and writing for the Odyssey but I will also use my newly acquired free time to work on myself and watch TV!!!!

Please don’t get me wrong. I loved my job but it wasn’t perfect. I am not perfect. I am in a crucial time in my life and I need to make tough decisions. The program is changing and I am changing. No matter how much I wanted to stay to serve I had to serve myself too. I cannot be the best version of myself if I do not know how to leave and start again.

So. Why did I leave my job of 5 years with no long term employment lined up? Because that job has contributed to my success and has equipped me with the skills, experience and opportunities I will need to get back in the grind and slay. I do not know what will happen next but I'll be fine.