Running cross country was probably the biggest part of my life during high school. It's what kept me grounded and became a huge part of my routine after school and on the weekends. You could say cross country became my life for three seasons out of the year.

Leaving high school and going into college was a huge transition for me, and I craved stability, familiarity, and control. I didn't know what the future would be like, so I made sure running was a part of it.

I look back now and realize that was my first mistake.

Training over the summer wasn't very fun for me. I felt like it was more of a chore than a hobby. I put so much pressure on myself to run xx time and deadlift xx pounds. I gave myself very little grace because I wanted to be the best, and was willing to do anything to be just that.

This was my second mistake.

I wasn't ready to let go of my identity as a runner because I don't think I really knew who I was without running.

I also believe that running fueled lingering parts of my eating disorder, and that was the main reason I quit. I could feel myself spiraling again, and that was not a rabbit hole I wanted to fall back down.

I didn't quit because of my teammates, coach or early morning workouts. I quit because running competitively made me someone I didn't want to be. I decided to (finally) put myself first and do what was best for me.

Now, I run for fun. I may be slower than molasses, but I'm learning to be okay with it and enjoy the ride. Sometimes I really miss the sport, but then I'm reminded that running was like an abusive ex-boyfriend. I felt like I had to run, and if I didn't, I was a failure.

I will always wonder what my college career would be like if I stuck with running, but then I remember how college without running is better than I could have ever imagined.