When You Leave Your Heart In Another State

When You Leave Your Heart In Another State

Remember where your roots grow deep.
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A lot of students have one of two dreams once they graduate high school; stay as close to home as they can or move as far away as possible. Personally, I chose to move from Wisconsin to Florida to attend Florida Gulf Coast University. I chose this because I thought Florida would be amazing, plus, I received an extremely generous scholarship to help me pay for school. Once I moved, even before I moved, I realized how deep my roots actually were in Wisconsin and how moving may not be such a great idea.

Vacationing as a family was always a blast, especially when we'd visit Florida. When I moved to Florida to begin my college journey, I realized how much I would miss Wisconsin. Three years later, and I still miss my home state just as much as I did the day I boarded that plane and took off south.

Moving away to go to school is never easy, but it truly is an amazing experience. When you take yourself out of your comfort zone at home, you realize who you really are. You grow and find things out about yourself that you never knew. You find out what type of whether you actually like. You realize how different people are in the south than in the north, both good and bad.

There's also that feeling of missing out. That life is still moving forward without you, and that whenever you visit your home you feel like so much has changed but yet nothing has changed at all. Friends grow up, some fade, some become closer. You start to miss those restaurants that only your hometown has. You also realize that every time you come back home, part of you misses your college town, but you know that part of your heart and soul will always be in the city you grew up in.

Sometimes, it's the exact opposite. You may realize how you've outgrown your hometown and you're destined to travel and go to towns you know nothing about. You may never want to step foot in your home state ever again, but you cannot deny the fact that the state has shaped you and molded you into the person you are. But, you are continuously growing and learning and maturing, no matter what city your feet may be planted in at the moment.

I'm writing this because I'm here to tell you that it's OK to feel lost and confused in college, especially when you relocate.

It's OK to feel upset and sad and like nobody understands. I realized soon on that Wisconsin is the place I need to be, and once I graduate I plan on doing everything in my power to move home, and that's OK.

It's OK that where I am attending college is not the place I want to live after.

It's OK to admit that you aren't yourself when you're at college because it is not where you grew up and it is not where you can be yourself. Find a person that reminds you of home, and do not let them go. That person can make all of the difference, whether it be a friend, relative, significant other, finding that person makes a world of a difference.

Leaving your heart in another state is a sign of strength, you moved to fulfill your educational dreams and to get a step forward on your career. You have goals. It may take time, it will take a lot of time, but everything will work out in the end.

It will be OK.

You got this.

Cover Image Credit: Pexels

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To The Person Who Feels Suicidal But Doesn't Want To Die

Suicidal thoughts are not black and white.
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Everyone assumes that if you have suicidal thoughts that means you want to die.

Suicidal thoughts are thought of in such black and white terms. Either you have suicidal thoughts and you want to die, or you don't have suicidal thoughts and you want to live. What most people don't understand is there are some stuck in the gray area of those two statements, I for one am one of them.

I've had suicidal thoughts since I was a kid.

My first recollection of it was when I came home after school one day and got in trouble; and while I was just sitting in the dining room I kept thinking, “I wonder what it would be like to take a knife from the kitchen and just shove it into my stomach." I didn't want to die, or even hurt myself for that matter. But those thoughts haven't stopped since.

I've thought about going into the bathroom and taking every single pill I could find and just drifting to sleep and never waking back up, I've thought about hurting myself to take the pain away, just a few days ago on my way to work I thought about driving my car straight into a tree. But I didn't. Why? Because even though that urge was so strong, I didn't want to die. I still don't, I don't want my life to end.

I don't think I've ever told anyone about these feelings. I don't want others to worry because the first thing anyone thinks when you tell them you have thoughts about hurting or killing yourself is that you're absolutely going to do it and they begin to panic. Yes, I have suicidal thoughts, but I don't want to die.

It's a confusing feeling, it's a scary feeling.

When the depression takes over you feel like you aren't in control. It's like you're drowning.

Every bad memory, every single thing that hurt you, every bad thing you've ever done comes back and grabs you by the ankle and drags you back under the water just as you're about the reach the surface. It's suffocating and not being able to do anything about it.

The hardest part is you never know when these thoughts are going to come. Some days you're just so happy and can't believe how good your life is, and the very next day you could be alone in a dark room unable to see because of the tears welling up in your eyes and thinking you'd be better off dead. You feel alone, you feel like a burden to everyone around you, you feel like the world would be better off without you. I wish it was something I could just turn off but I can't, no matter how hard I try.

These feelings come in waves.

It feels like you're swimming and the sun is shining and you're having a great time, until a wave comes and sucks you under into the darkness of the water. No matter how hard you try to reach the surface again a new wave comes and hits you back under again, and again, and again.

And then it just stops.

But you never know when the next wave is going to come. You never know when you're going to be sucked back under.

I always wondered if I was the only one like this.

It didn't make any sense to me, how did I think about suicide so often but not want to die? But I was thinking about it in black and white, I thought I wasn't allowed to have those feelings since I wasn't going to act on them. But then I read articles much like this one and I realized I'm not the only one. Suicidal thoughts aren't black and white, and my feelings are valid.

To everyone who feels this way, you aren't alone.

I thought I was for the longest time, I thought I was the only one who felt this way and I didn't understand how I could feel this way. But please, I implore you to talk to someone, anyone, about the way you're feeling; whether it be a family member, significant other, a friend, a therapist.

My biggest mistake all these years was never telling anyone how I feel in fear that they would either brush me off because “who could be suicidal but not want to die," or panic and try to commit me to a hospital or something. Writing this article has been the greatest feeling of relief I've felt in a long time, talking about it helps. I know it's scary to tell people how you're feeling, but you're not alone and you don't have to go through this alone.

Suicidal thoughts aren't black and white, your feelings are valid, and there are people here for you, you are not alone.

If you're thinking about hurting yourself please call the National Suicide Prevention Lifeline at 1-800-273-8255 or visit suicidepreventionhotline.org to live chat with someone. Help it out there and you are not alone.


Cover Image Credit: BengaliClicker

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Cleveland Things That Only Cleveland People Will Understand

A little bit about my city and why I love it so much!

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My whole life I have lived within 40 minutes of the great city of Cleveland. Although our skyline is small, compared to New York City, it's truly beautiful. Sitting at Huntington Beach, I can watch the sunset and the city light up. We have multiple sports teams, covering: hockey, basketball, football, and baseball. Our Cavilers even brought home the National Championship when the Golden State Warriors Blew a 3-1 lead in the Finals in 2016. I shed actual tears watching that game!

Along with the sports teams, there are numerous restaurants serving delicious foods. East Fourth is my favorite street, lined with restaurants and lit with lights strung between the buildings at night. My number one place to go for food when downtown is Barrio for tacos!

Cleveland has many historical places to visit such as The Cleveland Museum of Art, The Rock and Roll Hall of Fame, A Christmas Story House, and many more. There are other neat places to check out like Great Lakes Science Center, Cleveland Botanical Gardens, Cleveland Metroparks Zoo, and West Side Market. Consider to be much smaller than many large cities, Cleveland is packed with so many fun activities to do and events to see.

These are a few things that attract so many people in the city and have brought me making the trip downtown so many times. A trip to Cleveland could NEVER disappoint!

Living so close to the city has lead to so many great experiences with my friends and family! I enjoy attending Indians games under the warm summer sun and sitting at Lake Erie. I have attended countless watch parties for Cavs games. The excitement for your city in a National Championship is indescribable. For home games, the watch parties were held outside the arena with huge screens to watch the game, a mini court to shoot around on, other basketball games, and a live band for entertainment. My absolute favorite summer event is going to concerts with my friends at Blossom. We always get lawn tickets and spend the night dancing as the sun goes down.

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