One of the beauties of friendship is that we can choose who to be friends with. We have the power to choose to open the doors of our minds, our private worlds, to a select group of people in our lives. The problem occurs when it comes time to close that door on certain people – the same people we shared countless laughs with, the same people we trusted a lot of our lives with. How does one even know when to close that door on that person? And how does one even go about doing something like that?

First things first, it’s never good to stay in an unhealthy relationship – romantic or platonic. In this particular case, I’m speaking more about the platonic relationships – the friendships that you thought were so sweet and wonderful but gradually turned bitter. If your friend consistently expresses jealousy towards your accomplishments, if your friend often has the need to point out that he or she is right and you are wrong, if your friend belittles in you in any way, it’s time to step back and honestly take time to think about how to get out of this toxic friendship. The essence of friendship is that your friends should be part of your support system, and you should be a part of theirs. Friends don’t try or want to tear each other down. Even if you all have the same end goals (whether it’s in your careers or just life in general), friends are supposed to help one another reach those goals, not act as little gnats that try to impede you on your journey.

Secondly, whether she or he is your best friend or close friend, or just a friend – this person should understand that you might have other friends with whom you may enjoy spending time with as well. However, if this particular friend of yours is behaving sourly because they think you are spending too much time with your other friends – then open up a dialogue. Talk about the situation and make your points clear. Now unfortunately, if this friend ever says words along the lines of “Well, then you might as well go find another best friend, I don’t care,” then it’s also another warning sign that you should step back and maybe reevaluate whether or not you want to maintain being in such a clingy, needy, overbearing relationship. Here I want to emphasize the word “overbearing.” If you find that your friend is trying to control who you see, or who you hang out with, or has biting comments about how you’re spending your time with others, that’s a major problem. In such a case, you really shouldn’t even be wondering about whether or not to stay friends with this person – you just need to pack up your things and leave.

So we’ve established some of the things that scream “TOXIC FRIENDSHIP!” But what we haven’t yet talked about is how to go about leaving that friendship. If you’re wondering how to go about doing this, then you’ve probably also convinced yourself that you don’t want to create unnecessary tension or drama. What’s even worse is, to some degree, you may even be a little bit dependent on this friend. You’ve also probably told yourself that you’ve been around for each other for all of these years and you might as well stick through it. Well that's where I’ll stop you. This isn’t an extracurricular that your parents signed you up for; you are not obligated to stick through it. No one but your conscience is forcing you to remain friends with someone who is quite simply unhealthy for you. Now it’s time to deal with your conscience.

If you have any bit of a soul, you have tossed and turned at night, even if it was just for one night, thinking that maybe you are the bad person for trying to find a way out. In your mind, you have also replayed all of the good times that you and your friend have had together. You’re also probably having nightmares about the fact that if you do “betray” this friend by leaving him/her, he or she might end up telling the world your secrets. With all of these reasons combined, you think it will be better to act like you are happy in this friendship, and just let it be. The truth is, with each day, the life will be taken out of you, "Hocus Pocus" style. Pretty soon, even the fact that your friend is breathing in your presence will make you want to scream.

Inevitably, in your attempts to stay friends with this person, you will rant about this friend to your other good friends who are also probably frustrated with this particular friend (if you are all in the same group), or you will find yourself having nothing good to say about this friend because of how miserable he or she makes you feel, and with that, you will feel even more exhausted and lost and stuck. Don’t succumb to such thoughts and feelings. Don’t torture yourself. No one but you will judge your decision to cut ties with this friend. And if anything, in the long run you will be the one thanking yourself for finding a way out.

Think of it this way: you’ve had a good, okay, or (let’s be real) awful run with this friend. You tried it; you once thought you liked it; until you didn’t. Whatever reasons you kept telling yourself to maintain a friendship with this person are no match for the fact that this friend of yours makes you feel awful about yourself – and no person who is close to you – whether it’s a family member, lover, or a friend – should have the open pass to do so.

By making it clear that you are a person who deserves basic respect, you will be respecting yourself – which is one of the most important things a person can do in his or her own life.