If there is one thing I have realized about myself, it is that I am the worst at saying goodbye. I am sure many people can relate to me on this subject. The social tradition of getting over-emotional as you distance yourself from those you love is never easy. It involves a lot of emotional connection and replays in your mind of cherished memories. Now for those of you who know me, I am an emotional person. When it comes to goodbyes though, it never feels like the right time.
I won’t be able to say goodbye when time tells me to. I still imagine myself waking up getting ready to visit all the same people. My mind hasn’t caught up to the speed of the direction of my life. When one comes up to me and gives me a hug, I feel as if I am expected to say some kind of last words that finalize the departure. The best things I come up with are “I’m going to miss you dude” or “You’re awesome” and maybe a playful laugh and a last wave goodbye. It doesn’t allow the person to understand how I value them. So I guess you could also say that this article is about when I actually say goodbye.
When I really say my goodbyes is when I drive in the car to go to my next destination. It is when I get on the plane and see the next phase of my life beginning and the last one ending. It is when I am alone at night trying to entertain my thoughts because the people I love won’t be there to laugh with me. It is when I live a moment wishing I was living it with those people. My goodbyes are done alone and in silent ways. That’s when goodbye hits me. It is never easy and it is hard to admit but it is harder than starting new again.
Even though leaving for California will be awesome, I bet I will think to myself “I wish this person was next to me”. I may never tell that said person but I hope wherever they are, they will feel my presence. Now whether or not people believe that is up to them. To me, I think it is possible to have a connection regardless of the distance. I wish I could pack all the people I care about in a suitcase and take them with me but alas, I cannot. Trust me though, I would do it if I could.
I just hope that even though the goodbyes that I said weren’t completely sincere, it is definitely starting to affect me now as I pack everything up. This will be the first time I live outside of Massachusetts so I will probably be completely lost for at least a couple weeks. I am sure I can manage though because I got a lot of amazing people who will be there for me along the way. So goodbye to all those who have shaped my life for so long. Y’all are the realest, fo’shizzle my nizzle.
