Love is a tricky thing. As I was growing up, I equated love to a feeling; butterflies in the pit of my stomach, smiling, heart pounding, thrilling love. My understanding of love in that sense then evolved when I entered adulthood into believing that love was a choice you made over and over to cherish and care for someone regardless of the way you feel. Now as a married woman I understand and acknowledge that love is a feeling and a choice, as well as an action. If I never acted as though I loved my husband, it may become difficult for him to believe me when I say it. Saying "I love you" is much more meaningful when it is reinforced by actions.
This is where love languages come into play. My husband and I were introduced to this concept of individual languages of love when we were attending premarital counseling some years ago. According to author Dr. Gary Chapman in his book The Five Love Languages, he explains that we tend to receive and give love in five ways: words of affirmation, acts of service, receiving gifts, quality time and physical touch. We were instructed to discover our own personal love language(s) and then discuss them together. I can tell you that this step alone has done wonders for both of us in terms of learning how to selflessly love and care for each other. If you want to discover your own love language you can take the free, short quiz here.
Love languages are important because oftentimes we are trying to communicate our love in a way that the reciepient may not respond best to. I could buy gift after gift for my husband in an attempt to express my love for him, but because his primary love language is not receiving gifts, these actions could be lost on him. He feels most appreciated when I encourage him verbally or leave a note for him telling him how much I love and respect him. Likewise, he could give me hugs and kisses all day (which I appreciate!) but because my primary love language is not physical touch, I may not respond as well as I would if he were to plan uninterrupted time together, free from distractions. When we can speak our spouse or partner's love language, our relationships flourish. Here are some practical ways you can begin to love your spouse today.
1. Words of Affirmation
How to communicate: encourage genuinely, listen actively, appreciate, empathize.
Actions: send unexpected texts or notes, compliment them, "It impressed me when you..." "I can see how you would feel that way because..." "I'm proud of you because..."
Avoid: not recognizing or appreciating their efforts, undue criticism, emotionally harsh words or tone.
2. Acts of Service
How to communicate: use phrases like, " I'll help," "Today I did ___for you," "What can I do to help?"
Actions: do chores together, try to alleviate their daily workload, complete tasks they may hate doing without being asked, run errands together, make a checklist of things that they need done to show sincerity of intent to help them.
Avoid: placing a higher priority on the requests of others, forgetting promises, ignoring, lacking follow-through.
3. Receiving Gifts
How to communicate: Thoughtful actions, speak purposefully, make them a priority.
Actions: give thoughtful gifts and gestures, express gratitude when receiving gifts, small surprises to show you were thinking of them, remembering special occasions.
Avoid: forgetting special events or anniversaries, unenthusiastic gift-giving.
4. Quality Time
How to communicate: Uninterrupted and focused one-on-one time, meaningful conversations.
Actions: create special moments together, weekend getaways, taking walks, putting cell phones down for a meal, running errands together.
Avoid: distractions while spending time together, long periods of time without alone time, too much time with friends or other groups, isolation.
5. Physical Touch
How to communicate: mostly non-verbal, use body language and touch.
Actions: hugs, kisses, holding hands, sitting close, back rubs, regular physical affection, thoughtful intimacy.
Avoid: receiving affection coldly, physical neglect, threats to withhold affection.
Be patient! It will take time to learn how to speak your spouse or partner's love language. It requires meaningful conversations, gentle and honest feedback, and purposeful application. The journey of marriage is never without challenges but with continued practice, your love for each other will thrive.
