By nature, I tend to be a more reserved person. I don't like to "make waves," "buck the system," or "stir the pot." I'm perfectly comfortable minding my business and staying away as far as possible from drama. I usually don't insert myself freely into conversations or groups, even though I often want to. I'm definitely not the type to reach out and make plans with friends regularly, which isn't to be lazy or apathetic. To put it nicely, I'm what you would consider to be an introvert. That isn't necessarily a bad thing, but it does have its hang-ups. One of which is the crippling inability to confront, like resolving conflicts or owning up to mistakes; any type of confrontation is a no-go.
To a certain extent, my mind wants to believe that everyone is at least somewhat afraid of confrontation. Some people seem to handle confrontation exceptionally well, but I still think that there has to be some fear, right? For myself, the fear of confrontation is very real, and it drives me to some serious procrastination when it comes to dealing with confrontational issues. Even though I struggle severely with it, I'm not completely unaware of why I fear it so much. In fact, discovering what scares me about confrontation is how I've begun to navigate the corn maze of confrontation.
I think the first reason I fear confrontation so much is because I absolutely hate the idea of upsetting people. Although confrontation doesn't necessarily involve resolving personal conflicts, the impending issue is generally a touchy subject. While the entire point of confrontation is to fix, as best as possible, the issue at hand, there's always the possibility of creating a bigger problem. The idea of a situation going from "bad to worse" is terrifying in my mind. Trying to fix a problem while potentially offending someone in the process is an unhappy crossroads that I don't like to cross. Even when it's just a matter of trying to help or provide constructive criticism, I know people generally tend to be hostile to personal critiques.
Even when I have the best of intentions, the other party involved may not view my intentions in the same way. There are two equal parts to confrontation, and I can only control my side. The emotions, the reactions, the solution, all of those are double-sided, and it's impossible to know how the other side will handle it. This uncertainty always races through my mind before approaching difficult situations. I try to err on the side of caution no matter what, but I sometimes feel like there can never be enough caution.
Lastly, and probably the pettiest reason to resent confrontation, is the aversion to owning up to my mistakes. Don't get me wrong, I know accountability is extremely important, but it still doesn't make it easy. Swallowing my pride and embracing embarrassment is a process that I'm still acquainting myself with. I think the struggle lies in how to go about owning up to these faults. Again, I don't like to upset people, so this presents itself as a doubly troublesome issue. Knowing I've failed in some way, and then having to let others know is not a comforting feeling in the least. Even though I've made it a point to be accountable for myself, I still don't always know how to initiate taking accountability. Do I start with an apology? Do I start with an explanation? At the end of the day, I think each situation will present itself as a new learning opportunity. Most importantly, though, I definitely feel a sigh of relief every time I make amends with my shortcomings, which I think rings true for everyone.
I don't think confrontation is a favorite past time of anyone, but it's something everyone has to face at some point or another. Honestly, I see it as a necessary life skill, even though the importance of it is rarely stressed. It's amusing, in a way, how we're expected to be well-rounded, knowledgeable adults, but we're often minimally equipped with the skills to do so. I can't blame anyone, (parents, teachers, etc.), for this lack of preparedness, either; because I think that everyone struggles with the pitfalls of confrontation. Is it even a teachable thing? Personally, I've come to think that the best way to tackle it is through lived experience. Living through confrontation, whether it goes well or not, is a part of life. It's unavoidable. As I continue on this journey towards making peace with confrontation, I've come to realize that I don't think I'll ever be comfortable with it, but I might be getting better at handling it.
