Two things that people always say to me are “It'll get better, I promise," or, “Who cares, that was how many years ago?" But what I don’t think anyone understands is that it really doesn't get better. In fact, it gets worse.
I remember the first time I saw my abuser. I thought he was my knight in shining armor. So what if I was only in second grade? I knew that he and I would date, and I thought we would be together until the end of time.
We started dating in the 8th grade, and it really wasn’t that bad. We would hang out at each other's houses or go to the closest park. I truly thought he loved me. He would put notes in my locker and sometimes put gifts in there too.
What I didn’t know was that the daydream would become my biggest nightmare sophomore year.
I remember going out shopping with my mom and he would call me asking me where I was, and I would tell him. He would call me a liar after and would say he wanted me home right then or there would be consequences. I would then ask him where he was and he would lie to me, saying he was at his friend's house, but would actually be at the house of the girl down the street.
The lies just kept getting worse and worse. By junior year I was not only being verbally abused, but I was getting emotionally abused. It got way too out of control. Every time I would try to end it, there was just no getting out, until his mom got involved and told him to end it.
That was my chance for freedom. I was out of the relationship, so that means he's out of my life.
But that's not the case.
Just because I’m out of the relationship, doesn’t mean he’s out of my life. It’s quite the opposite. The first few months after our breakup, I would get texts saying “I’m watching you” and “Don’t do anything stupid." I kept asking, “Why God? Why do you hate me so much? If you loved me the way I always hear you do, why put me through this?” I felt myself slipping away from everything in those moments.
I turned to toxic friends in order to fill the lack of love I felt. There were a few times I felt like no one could love a girl like me. I was unwanted and not loved. I remember one time laying in bed thinking of different ways to end things. End the connection with him, or even end my life.
But I remember hearing a voice saying, “They will miss you. They love you so much and there is more that you need to experience.”
It was that night that I picked up the bible for the first time in forever and read God’s words. I felt his presence and his love wrap around me. I was comfortable. But this was just the beginning of it.
I started the next day over fresh. I was led to Missouri Baptist University and started my life anew. I have met so many people. A few of them have stories like mine.
Although I am still trying to forget my past, I am looking toward my future and what I can do to make it a little brighter.
If I could say anything to my abuser now, I would say thank you. Thank you for showing me what I don’t deserve. Thank you for pushing me to the edge so I could learn God’s love. Thank you for teaching me how to love myself first and then focus on loving another man. Thank you for helping me learn to forget, because I have forgotten my old self, and I am learning to forget you.
