Love is the building block for every relationship and lays a foundation so steady, even death can't break it. It's an essential part of human nature, though sometimes a forgotten power, it's present in every charitable, caring, empathetic, or kind act. It's buried in fearful parents, angry spouses and jealous girlfriends. But for some, loving doesn't come that naturally. For some, it's easier to pretend we don't have feelings at all than to try and comprehend what love is or what it's doing to us, let alone try and show someone else how we feel. Usually we're okay with this because we don't really see the effects it has on our relationships, or we haven't found someone worth going through the journey of self-acknowledgment. Until that person comes along and flips our world upside down, most of us are okay being third class, self-protected lovers.
I consider myself lucky to have met the person who would change my life forever. He came into my life by chance, but it didn't go unnoticed. My stomach was filled with butterflies at the mere thought of him, and until our first date, he was all I thought about. After our second date, it was game over. I was intoxicated with him, and he was my drug that I could never get enough of. Even so, I avoided telling him how much he meant to me. I was afraid to admit it to myself, and I certainly wasn't about to admit it to him, so instead I replaced words of affection with acts of love... or what I thought were acts of love.
But the truth is even those weren't lovey enough to be interpreted as 'Hey, I love your face and your laugh and the way you dance when you make us dinner and basically everything about you' but more as 'Hey, you're kinda cool.' I was trying so hard to show him how much he meant to me, but hugs and kisses goodbye, no matter how I proud of myself I was for achieving at least that, simply weren't cutting it. It didn't take long for my emotional ineptitude to become a running joke between us, but laughing off how poorly I express my emotions was our way of getting through it.
Eventually I moved and he moved, and we ended up putting 9,000 miles between us. Our feelings for each other have only grown since then, but the distance has done nothing to aid my inabilities. Without having the option to hug it out or roll my eyes with love-struck sass, I have to actually speak what I'm feeling. My reassurances come in gif form and awkward 'yes babe, I still feels you' phrases.. or not at all. I try, and I'm better than I've ever been at openly expressing myself, but nothing I do can possibly compare the love he makes me feel.
I'm thankful that he understands me enough to be patient with my slow learning. He loves me through it, sometimes just assuming my love for him along the way. He's by far the better half to our relationship, and I long for the day when I'm half as good at loving him as he is at loving me. I've made it my goal this year to better myself at showing people how much they mean to me, and I'm sorry fam, but he's at the top of my list. It's a work in progress, but it's something I'm proud of no matter how slow a journey it is.
If you love someone who is a bit of an emotional idiot like myself, give them time. Learning to love isn't an easy journey for the non-emotional, but feeling our love should only mean that much more to you. Communication is key in helping them; guide them to positively express themselves, and I guarantee when they make the step to say 'I love you' on their own, they will have no one to thank but you. Until then, pay attention, because no show of affection is too small for us, even if it's making you coffee in the morning after you've asked us to. We love you and we want you to know, we just don't know how to say it yet.
