Since the beginning of the school year, I have been volunteering two hours every week at the local children's shelter here in San Antonio. I'm doing it as a part of the HOPE Hall program here at Trinity University. HOPE Hall is an actual residence hall for students that are dedicated to volunteer service, particularly when it involves the homeless. Every week, I've alternated between helping with the care of babies or with a group of four year old girls each week. And I know, two hours a week really isn't enough time, and I wish I could be there more often than I am- but those two hours every week have taught me a lot.
First off, children's shelters- or at least the ones I've been to- are not the way they're depicted in movies. The children are not forced to sweep the floors or to work for their keep, or, in the case of "Despicable Me," to sell extreme amounts of cookies just to have a bed to sleep in for a night. The kids are well cared for- or at least as well cared for as they can be. There is generally one caretaker for every five or so children around, which maybe sounds fair until you think about the way your life with your parents, or maybe with your children, has been.
The average american family has about two children each. That's at least one parent per every two children, and in many cases more than that. Those kids become the center of their parents' worlds, demanding every ounce of their free attention and, in many cases, requiring it. When your child is sick, you might stay home with them, or bring them their favorite toys, foods, or movies to make them feel better. In the shelter, no matter how hard the care takers work- and they work admirably hard- that simply isn't possible for the kids there. They don't get to be picky eaters. If they don't like what's getting served in the cafeteria at dinner, they don't eat. If they get sick, they get moved to a smaller group, and they're given chicken soup and a cup of Gatorade and watched a little more closely until they get better. And that's not the shelter's fault. That's just how things have to be.
The shocking, horrible thing I learned about the shelter process was not what happened to the children once they were in the shelter, but rather what happened to them before they got there. What we as neighbors, friends, or fellow parents have turned our backs on and either failed to notice or pretended not to see.
Of course, there are kids that are there because they're parents, good people that they were, just can't afford to take care of them right now. There are kids that are there because something terrible happened to their parents. There are kids that are there because their parents are in jail, for reasons completely unrelated to them.
But those are the cases that couldn't really have been helped. Those are the cases that couldn't have been stopped before they got too far.
The cases I'm talking about are inherently different. I'm talking about the brothers that came in with a broken arm and a broken leg each, both of them painfully thin with distended tummies and sour faces. I'm talking about the babies that start to cry as soon as they see a man's face. I'm talking about the little brother and sister that will never be able to talk normally or go to a regular school because of the abuse they suffered as toddlers. I'm talking about the little boys that swear like grown men and throw things and make death threats when people get too far into their comfort zone.
And all I can think every time I see those cases is how could we let this happen?
The shelter does wonderful things for those kids. More than half the time, those kids are transformed from the battered, empty shells of people back into normal, smiling kids, just like their peers in the shelter. Those kids are often playing, laughing with the other children, joking, and dreaming about their futures and the families they might eventually have. Lots of them don't even think to blame their parents for the wrongs done to them. They want to know when they get to go back to see mom and dad. They're just kids – they don't understand.
How could we have let this happen? I understand, we can't spend every waking moment thinking about what the worst people in the world might be doing, but shouldn't we at least be keeping an eye out for them? We can't pretend that these things aren't happening, sometimes in our own neighborhoods- sometimes on our own streets. They are real. They're happening. The victims are in our shelters- or else still being victimized.
Please, if you suspect a child in your neighborhood may be suffering from domestic abuse, look for these common signs from SpeakUpBeSafe:
-unexplained bruises, cuts, or broken bones that children wouldn't normally have
-has bruises in the shape of an object
-provides unbelievable explanations for their injuries
-becomes withdrawn, aggressive, or self-destructive
-has difficulty sitting normally due to soreness
-wears clothing to cover the whole body, even in hot weather
-is wary of adult contact
-generally avoids their home as long as possible
-does not emerge from their home for days or weeks at a time
-is frequently absent from school
-is having difficulty in school
-or, most importantly, reports domestic abuse to another student, teacher, neighbor, or trusted adult.
Lots of children are imaginative, reckless, or overly-dramatic- but it's always better to make sure they're alright than to assume they're lying to you. Leaving a child to an aggressor now may lead to irreversible mental or physical damage later.
If you don't feel safe checking up on the child at home, try talking to them directly, calling the parents, their teachers, who have their own protocol for suspected domestic abuse, or, if the evidence is strong and there are very clear signs of abuse, do not be afraid to call Child Protective Services or 911.
Many of the kids in the shelter have been through terrible things. That's absolutely true. But many, if not all, of them are able and willing to be saved. They still have love in their hearts, and eagerness about their future, and an absolutely desperate desire to be loved and given attention, like any other child.
The best example I can give are the four year old girls I see every other week. Sometimes, they ask if they can call me "Mommy." Sometimes they cry for their parents, and sometimes they blurt out inappropriate words, because they learned them from their parents. But most of the time, they're happy, very normal little girls. They like to watch Disney movies, eat candy, and giggle at each others joke. They love it when I grab their hands and swing them around in the "spin me" game. They play with dolls, they talk about what they want to be when they grow up, and they try to give me little presents, stickers, drawings, or flowers, when I'm with them. They like to hold your hand when they walk around with you. They really, really love hugs. Their favorite thing in the whole world is playing tag on the playground.
Many of them have seen terrible things, or had terrible things done to them- but all of them are still just children- even sweeter, more well-mannered children than most, because they know to appreciate what they have.
These are the kids you talk about when you say "adoption is too risky- those kids are messed up."
It's not their fault. And if they're messed up, first of all- they're people, not toys; they can't be broken. They definitely don't deserve to be discarded. Second, it was on us, as a whole, to protect those children from harm in the first place. If they're messed up, we've failed. Maybe not personally, but we have failed.
Those children don't deserve to be seen the way that they are. They don't deserve to be mistreated their whole young lives only to be assumed broken and therefore neglected yet again, all for things they couldn't help in the first place. They definitely don't deserve to grow up, age out of the shelter system, and end up homeless on the streets, where they'll only receive more abuse.
I guess what I'm trying to get at is, first of all, these children are not irreversibly "messed up." As cliche as it sounds, all they really want is love. So if you can, you should absolutely consider adopting, or joining the foster care system. If you can't, you should, or really, it's your responsibility, to watch out for the children you see in your life. You could be the difference between a lifetime of love or a lifetime of abuse.
And if anybody ever tells you that children in shelters are "all trouble" or "messed up" or "not worth the effort," well, you can just send them to me.
