All my life, I've been a worrier. I was that unnecessarily nervous kid that still had training wheels on her bike at the age of 6. I didn't often speak up or try new things because I was too uncomfortable, there were too many unknowns, and I had no idea what could possibly happen. My mind would go into overdrive trying to uncover all the possible outcomes of a situation to the point that I would often give up. It wasn't a helpful process to say the least.

Now, I didn't worry about big things that were unfounded, like never being able to get a job, someone I love dying in a car accident, etc. I also didn't worry about little things, like tests or projects (unless I seriously procrastinated, which only happened a few times). My worries were always about situations that were happening in my life at the time, like some guy I liked, going to college, stuff along those lines. The worries that stemmed from them were always founded in something; previous experience, something I knew about a person involved, etc. Even still, they would often spiral out of control. They were always negatively one-sided. I couldn't seem to consider any other option for the small things, only for the overall outcome of the situation.

Over the years, my worries manifested themselves in two big ways: overthinking and self-deprecation. I would spend hours thinking of every possible outcome for a whatever situation I was in to the point where there would be more negative and unrealistic ones than positive ones. I would become so anxious and worried that I would scare myself away from taking a risk or just avoid dealing with the situation. There were also times in which I would say horrible things to myself to keep my hopes from getting too high and subsequently crushed. That was probably the most detrimental thing I've done thus far; not only did I stop hoping and taking risks but I also stopped believing in myself.

I didn't realize how bad all of this was until recently. I started going to counseling in November for my depression and it has started to help me change my outlook on life and how I cope with things like this. I found myself overthinking about a situation that might not ever occur while I was lying in bed one night last month. It was getting to the point where I was ready to throw up my hands and write the whole thing off. I was backing away, listening to my worries and saying "There is no way this will work." As I was getting to the end of this process, I asked myself for the first time ever "Why do you think this? Why are you thinking this way? Where is this coming from?"

The answer? I was afraid. I was afraid to take a risk on the situation, that I wasn't strong enough to handle it, that a million things would end up going wrong and I would end up back at a low point. My fear was fueling my worries which were fueling the overthinking and self-deprecation which were negatively impacting my happiness and how I saw myself.

It freaked me out a little. I had never had such a revelation before, one that actually felt like it was going to stick with me in a positive way. Instead of thinking about all the things I missed out on or could've missed out on, I thought about how good it would be for me to try and take some more risks. The good things that I want for myself are not going to come without putting myself out there, trying new things, taking the risks that I've been so afraid to take for so long. I thought about how changing this way of thinking would change the way I see myself. I saw nothing but good things coming from this revelation and I was excited.

This realization lead to another one: I have worth. I deserve good things. I am not all of those things that I've been telling myself over the years. I am better than that and will continue to grow and change into who I want to be. This was a powerful revelation, too. It was the first time that I've thought anything good about myself and wholeheartedly believed it. I found myself crying as I was thinking all these positive things. If you had told me in October that I would be where I am today, thinking positively, starting to love myself, I would've laughed and told you that you were off your rocker.

I'm not big on New Year's resolutions. I've not kept one that I've made in the past almost two decades. I'm not sure that I'll be able to keep this one without slip ups. But I've decided to try. In 2017, I am going to love myself and take more risks. It's not going to be easy, I have to change 19 years worth of thinking, but I am going to give it my all. It's about darn time that things change for the better.

Here's to 2017 being a year of positive growth and change. I'm excited for what it holds.